Bonnie is the Program Coordinator at ÓĹĂŰĘÓƵ. She has extensive experience working with gifted middle school students to find the high school that best fits their individual intellectual and personal needs and supporting them throughout that high school experience.

This time every year, I’m approached by parents of Caroline D. Bradley Scholars who have just dropped off their sons and daughters at boarding school for the first time and ask about how to support their students during the transition to life away from home.

It’s true that your child is stepping into a world that is like that of a college freshman in some respects: he or she faces issues of time management, from preparing for exams to doing laundry; issues of relationships, from accommodating a roommate with different sleep habits to learning to speak with instructors; and issues of personal development, from coping with homesickness to frustration over weekend curfews that differ from home. While college students are more or less viewed as adults, this is not appropriate for your 14 year old. This is why boarding schools have tiers of responsible adult faculty and upper level students on site in every dorm for immediate access to all of the students housed with them, regular group and individual chats, and strict rules students quickly adopt as their “new normal.”

Going off to boarding school is what professionals call a “planned separation.” Homesickness is bound to be something your new boarder is going to deal with. If this comes up, reassure your child that those feelings of missing familiar surroundings, routine, family and friends are perfectly normal. The experience of going away to school has a certain rhythm: initial excitement or positive intensity, usually lasting the first two to four weeks, then a drop to what might be labeled homesickness. It is a natural phenomenon; it is inevitable and does not last. So parents—DON’T ask about it, just know that if the communication turns a little sad or wistful in late September or mid-October, that’s probably the cause. It’s your part of the dialogue to steer the conversation to positive topics. CDB boarding school alums advise that parents should NEVER ask, “Are you homesick?” because “if I wasn’t homesick, that question would make me be and if I were, it wouldn’t make me feel any better.”

The late-night phone call is a universal topic of conversation among boarding parents—whether it’s about pre-exam anxiety, an upcoming team tryout or “no way I’m going to finish my paper on time.” This is not an uncommon scenario, especially during the first semester, and it can be hard for a parent to maintain composure and to say something you view as helpful. It’s not uncommon for parents to lose sleep after such a phone call, only to discover the next day that their son or daughter managed fine and scarcely remembers being anxious at all. Often when troubles become too much for a new student to handle (a bad grade on a test, an ended relationship, a shrunken t-shirt), the familiar place to turn is to YOU. Regrettably, new students are more likely to call about “desperate” circumstances, so you may never hear about the A paper, the great campus activity, or your son’s little-known domestic triumph. In times of crisis, your student can unload troubles or tears and, after the catharsis, return to a routine, relieved and lightened, while you inherit the burden or worry. Be patient and be a LISTENER when these calls come in. Be sympathetic, but more importantly, support your child by expressing confidence in his or her ability to solve the problem on his or her own. You know how resourceful and empowered your child is, but he or she might need to hear it. Remember that advice often sounds to adolescents like criticism, so instead of suggesting ways to handle the problem, listen for the tone of voice that indicates your child is ready to have you ask, “What do you think you can do at this point?” Understand the point of the call more often than not is to hand the worry over to someone else, to have an audience for the woes—NOT to get a solution.

Here are a few tips that I’ve picked up along the way from CDB parents, educators and Scholars themselves:

1. Don’t allow your child to call you constantly. You also have to resist the temptation of calling your son or daughter every hour. This is TOUGH for a parent to do. Establish a regular time for a 15 minute chat and stick to it. During your call, ask specific questions based on information you have already gleaned from the student newspaper, the school’s website or previous conversations–NOT “Did you finish your English paper on time?” or “How’d you do on your biology test?” Your child does not hear a question but rather, “They don’t think I can do anything” and second, “Grades are all that matters to them.” He or she hears nagging and second-guessing. Instead, try to ask questions that evince your interest in your child as a person—the same way you would any other person you care about. A CDB parent who is a psychologist told me, “Most parents talk too much.” The best way to get your child to talk is to listen actively, responding to what is said by echoing what you have heard or building on the topic he or she has introduced.

2. E-mail. This will NOT be a you-write, I-write even exchange of correspondence, nor should you send long missives of “counsel.” Perhaps e-mail a link to something your child would find funny or interesting. Try writing just a paragraph a day, reporting on family, on your day, on the family pets. Sometimes it’s a relief for students to know that they are not the focus of attention (read: inquisition) and that YOU are an interesting, engaging person too.

3. Food glorious food. Send your child’s favorite treats. Even if these are purchased, it’s food and it came from YOU. Send microwavable popcorn, cookies, crackers, dried fruit, or protein bars that can be tucked into a backpack for between class snacking. Food is love.

4. Money. Occasionally, put a little extra spending money into your child’s account. Every now and then it can be a glorious treat to be able to order out for a pizza—preferably on the weekends—when boarders are most likely to miss the little joys of home, including unlimited access to food.

5. Visit—but not often. Unexpected visits are not a good idea and can disrupt the adjustment curve. The fall parents weekend is the best time for your first visit after your child has begun school. If a later visit is planned, a weekend of shopping and eating out is an event that students greatly appreciate. Visits give your child a chance to introduce you to some of the important people in his or her life and the opportunity to show you around their campus, making a bridge between what is now for him or her, two different worlds: Home and School.

6. Encourage your child to make new friends and give him or her room to do so. Remember, the school has been dealing with new students for many years. Faculty and administrators will have a plan in place to keep him or her so busy that your child probably won’t realize he or she is homesick. Sports, all sorts of clubs and plenty of homework quickly fill up most days. His or her dorm mates will soon become friends. It won’t be long before you call at the appointed time and your child tells you he or she only has a minute before the so-and-so club meets.

7. Invite friends home for holidays. Get to know your child’s friends by inviting them to visit during vacations and allowing your child the same, even if this takes away from his or her own home time.

8. Allow your child to solve problems. I said this before but I can’t reiterate it enough. DON’T BE A HELICOPTER PARENT!! Resist the temptation to be an over-protective parent. Of course, you are there for your child, but he or she has what it takes to adjust to new situations and cope. Allowing boarding students to solve many of their own problems helps them develop this very important life skill. Encourage your son or daughter to be proactive and seek out adults at school who are there to help them problem solve: teachers, advisors, dorm supervisors, and proctors. They should never feel that they are without supportive people outside their parents.

9. Expect changes. Be patient with yourself and with your child. He or she is maturing, and that is a process that involves changes and mistakes. The first year of boarding school can be full of indecision, insecurities, disappointments and mistakes. It is also full of discovery, personal growth, inspiration, good times and memorable people.

And don’t be hurt when your son or daughter begins to refer to school as “home.” It’s a good sign. Really.

Is your child attending a boarding school? Please share your experiences in the comment section below.

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Lisa is the mother of 3 gifted children and lives outside of San Francisco.

“Raising Successful Children”—who could resist that title? I immediately began to asses my parenting skills after I saw in the Sunday New York Times. According to Dr. Levine, parents spend too much time focusing on academic success and not enough time fostering “authentic success.” Authentic success comes when parents hang back and allow their children to make mistakes so that they can develop the resilience they need to handle the difficulties of life.

As I considered Dr. Levine’s advice, I was struck by two thoughts. First, what do you do if your child is the one who is overly focused on academic success? And second, when is it okay to interfere in your child’s academic experience? My husband and I faced both of these questions last year. In answering these questions, we came to a powerful conclusion: helping your gifted child develop resilience is a nasty business.

Last September, our 13-year-old son left his 17-year-old brother, 10-year-old sister, and both parents to attend an elite boarding school on the east coast. The school had classes and resources that were unavailable locally. As a boarding student, he could devote all of his free time to his studies and extracurricular activities without worrying about family commitments. He even received a scholarship to pay for the tuition. He saw an educational nirvana. We saw the end of our parental influence.

So, Madeline Levine, is this where we are supposed to hang back? We did. We let him decide. He didn’t hesitate. We were devastated.

The following months were the most difficult of our lives. Our entire family mourned his absence, but that wasn’t what caused us the greatest pain. What kept us up at night was the emotional toll that my son’s decision took on him. He was extremely unhappy. He begged to come home. After every telephone conversation with my son, alarm bells went off in my head. Something was terribly wrong in New Hampshire.

By the time our son returned for the holidays, it was clear to us that we needed to bring him home, which we did. The emotional toll it took on him, however, was not yet done. Although he was happy to be home, he was disappointed with himself for not being able to make the boarding school experience work. He worried that his return home would affect his admission to college. He hated being the new kid again at school. His return home marked a new emotional low.

Were we wrong to let him make the initial decision to go? Should we have let him fully experience the consequences of his decision to leave home and left him in New Hampshire? Were we wrong to bring him home? According to Madeline Levine, our job “…is to know [our] child well enough to make a good call about whether he can manage a particular situation.” Our son was not able to manage the situation. We decided to say “enough” instead of making him stick with a decision that wasn’t working out as expected. While we wanted to teach him tenacity, we also felt that if we want him to take risks, we also need to help him admit when a choice was making him unhappy.

I imagine other parents of gifted children may have the same two questions for Dr. Levine. When we hang back and let our children make mistakes that result from their devotion to academic excellence, the price they pay is the anxiety that comes from failing to live up to their own impossible expectations. The that characterize gifted children only increase the cost of these mistakes. Is this the price of resiliency for gifted children? When do we say “no” to our child’s quest for academic challenge?

Strange as it might sound, my husband and I don’t believe we made a mistake by letting our son go away to school. We certainly would have faced other problems if we had denied him such a wonderful opportunity. On the other hand, we don’t yet understand the full psychological costs of his decision to go. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to strangle anyone who uses the word “resiliency” casually. I have spent the last year struggling with this difficult concept. Madeline Levine says my struggles are worth it. I sure hope she is right.

Have you struggled with when to say “no” to your child’s quest for academic challenge? Please share your experience with us in the comment section below.

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