Lessons听

Experience is certainly among the best of all teachers. I also believe that learning from the wrong turns we take can cement the knowledge we gain even more firmly.

Shortly after our son was born, a cousin sent us a parcel with items that her son had used when he was little. Included in the package were some hand-me-down clothes for special occasions and a set of magnetic letters of the alphabet to be placed on the refrigerator. As our child was still a toddler, it didn鈥檛 occur to me to employ the letters as an educational tool. Instead, I stuck them on the fridge as they were colorful and also could be used to hang photos and grocery lists. Later our son became intrigued with the letters and on his own discovered the magic of magnets. The letters swiftly joined blocks and other objects he could manipulate and use for construction or add as flavoring to the dinky car soup he regularly concocted. Somewhere in the mix of our playing, we began to ascribe names to the letters, just as we did to anything our son touched, saw, heard, and otherwise experienced. We knew that he could identify and distinguish letters and even write his name. However, it wasn鈥檛 until he dazzled the twelve year old boy who was visiting us by pointing to the doormat and spelling out the word, 鈥淲ELCOME鈥� that it became apparent how much he had internalized.

After he began to routinely and excitedly spell and occasionally recognize words he saw on billboards and in print, I had the idea that formal reading lessons were in order. So, using a Dr. Seuss book as a primer, I encouraged my pupil to sound out the letters and identify the words. In short order, annoyance and frustration supplanted excitement and it was abundantly clear that teaching reading at this point was causing unnecessary tension and serving no purpose. This experience taught the would-be teacher an invaluable lesson; that learning is best achieved when the child is ready and receptive. Further, educational initiatives, especially for young children, have greatest effect when they are natural extensions of play. Perhaps the most important lesson here, though, is that education is most successful when it is a natural outgrowth of a child鈥檚 own curiosity, rather than when it is imposed.

I strongly believe that if a parent pays attention to his or her child, then that parent will not only know when to widen the child鈥檚 horizons, but also in what way. I am reminded of the time when our son was a kindergartener that we brought home and watched as a family the movie 1776. Certainly, that musical has some catchy, if not moving, tunes and rich and feisty characters. Yet it was clear that our son was most drawn to the story underpinning the film, the birth of our nation, our history. Seeing his enthusiasm about early American history, in turn, inspired my husband and me to find ways to fuel his interest and expand his understanding. We discovered a wonderful series of books that follows generations of a fictional family from Colonial America through to the War of 1812. We were implored to read these books practically non-stop and we spent a large portion of one summer under the massive maple tree in our backyard learning about America in its early decades. Our son鈥檚 interest and knowledge continued to grow and we later spent countless mealtimes reading; about military engagements and novels like The Red Badge of Courage that describe the horrors of war. We made treks to Plymouth and Independence Hall to provide a visual understanding of the places where American history unfolded. The point is that our family鈥檚 quests and intellectual journeys were sparked by the excitement our son showed while watching 1776. We just sought to sustain and develop that interest to wherever it led us. It wouldn鈥檛 surprise me if our son鈥檚 decision to major in history years later was in part rooted in those positive encounters he had with Colonial America as a young child.

Now, while I think it grossly unfair 鈥� if not cruel 鈥� to willfully subject a child to a challenge well beyond his or her physical and mental ability, I don鈥檛 think that a parent should prevent a child from experiencing any sort of difficulty or from trying something new. Indeed, some of the most flexible and creative thinkers are those who have had to find ways to address and overcome disappointments and handle the unfamiliar. Facing some modicum of challenge makes for healthy development.

There is a memorable scene from the film, Babies, a documentary that follows four babies from around the world from their births until they begin to walk. In this clip, a months-old girl is sitting on the floor and concentrating on stringing large plastic square-, triangle- and circle-shaped beads onto a pole. She manages to get all the beads on the pole and excitedly lifts the pole only to watch the beads she had painstakingly threaded slide off the other end of the pole and onto the floor. Then she does what I wish I could do in polite company when something or someone is driving me nuts. She hurls herself on her back, kicks her feet in midair, and screams. You don鈥檛 need a thought bubble to know what she鈥檚 feeling. However, what happened next was a marvel to see. After a short, heartfelt wail, the girl sat up, crawled back to the pole and beads and tried it all again.

Long way around, the time for parents to encourage their child to take another step in development is when that child shows evident signs that he or she not only is interested, but also possesses the requisite maturity or patience to make the effort. This applies equally to learning to ride a bike, read, or use a toilet.

A famous study, colloquially known as the marshmallow test, elaborates on this notion of patience or, more specifically, the ability to delay gratification. In the 1960s and 1970s, a psychologist, then a professor at Stanford, conducted a series of tests on pre-school and early primary school students. The young students were told that they could either have one marshmallow (or Oreo or pretzel stick) immediately or wait fifteen minutes and receive several of these treats. This cohort of students was then tracked over decades. Curiously, the students who delayed gratification generally achieved more positive life outcomes, e.g. higher educational attainment, greater ability to handle stress, healthier body mass index, and perhaps of most importance to those parents who possessed academic ambitions for their child, much higher standardized test scores than those who enjoyed the one marshmallow (or treat) immediately.

The marshmallow test was largely debunked by later studies that maintained that the ability to hold out for more marshmallows was shaped by a child鈥檚 social and economic background, rather than by his or her inherent patience or resilience. Still, although the marshmallow test was designed to measure young children鈥檚 degree of self control, it actually provides a useful moral for parents. The experiment captured so much attention because it purported to predict a child鈥檚 degree of success, as determined by certain adults, a decade or more down the line. But, in the big picture, why should parents even be thinking about how their four year olds will fare on the SAT, for example, a dozen or more years in the future? Perhaps it鈥檚 the parents that ought to think about ways to exercise patience and refrain from eating the proverbial marshmallow themselves. Rather than to rush their children鈥檚 development for the possibility of achieving a certain vision of success, parents need to wait and see where their children鈥檚 interests and curiosities lie and then take steps to fuel that initial excitement accordingly. This brings me back to the lesson I learned in deciding to teach our son to read before he was ready.

Because my husband and I are self-employed and have the luxury of a fair amount of flexibility in our schedule, at least one of us was available to be with our child from his birth. When both of us were free, we tended to travel as a threesome, whether to the grocery store, library, or the backyard. It鈥檚 not surprising that all this time together helped to forge our close-knit family. Also, as we were close, we valued and sought our son鈥檚 opinions. As such, he weighed in on family-related decisions, including where we might eat out on those infrequent occasions when we opted not to cook. We generally frequented inexpensive, fast food places. As our son grew older and could express his preferences, we would take turns deciding where we should dine. This was taken quite seriously and a record was kept as to whose turn it was so that there was parity in decision-making. All this is to explain that from a very early age, our son鈥檚 choices and views mattered, especially when they concerned his own experience.

The time came when we decided to look into pre-schools with programs that ran just a couple of mornings or afternoons a week. Our motivation to explore pre-schools was largely for the social experiences they offer. As our son was and is an only child, we thought he might benefit from the chance to meet and interact with others his age. Several friends had recommended a school that their children attended. It happened that a significant number of families affiliated with this nursery school also were associated with a leading university located nearby. We figured that if academics enrolled their children in this place, it must have some merit. The day of the pre-school鈥檚 open house arrived and prospective students and their parents swarmed into the facility, listened attentively to the teacher as she described the program and its approach, noted the furnishings and toys, and sought clues about the essence of the place. It was clear that here, education, specifically academic schooling, was valued. It was also clear that the target of the teacher鈥檚 attention at the gathering was the parents, rather than the prospective students. Whenever the teacher spoke to a child, her tone seemed to lack genuine warmth and, worse, her manner was patronizing. We鈥檇 been in the building all of ten minutes when our son quietly started asking when we would leave. The signal was unambiguous. He wanted out.

A few days later, we visited a public nursery program run out of the local recreation center where we had been invited to stop by any time the pre-school was in session. When we arrived, a group of children was happily navigating Big Wheels around their classmates in the airy, though relatively small space that housed the school. Spying an unoccupied vehicle, our son asked if he could join the fun. With a nod from the teacher, he climbed on the Big Wheels and pedaled away beaming. Guess in which program we enrolled our son. It so happened that this pre-school also had a valuable educational component. The students were exposed to the rudiments of language and arithmetic and they were read stories about Native Americans and dinosaurs, but the approach was low-key and inviting. We were also pleased that our son made some fast friends with whom he played routinely inside and outside his school. Our family鈥檚 experience at this pre-school opened my husband鈥檚 and my eyes to the importance of early education, not only what was taught, but how. Looking back I realize that the pre-school teachers reinforced the way we ourselves interacted with and engaged our son at home, by sharing our excitement about our own interests and discovering and identifying the topics and activities that tickled and fueled his own imagination. The pre-school experience also served to motivate us to partner with our son鈥檚 teachers down the line to try to echo the approach he was fortunate to have experienced in his very first formal schooling.

Now back to the subject of decision-making and the reason for talking about our son鈥檚 pre-school in the first place. I suppose that our son could have had a positive time in the first program we visited. There had to be a reason the pre-school was so highly touted by those who were affiliated with it. However, even if my husband and I hadn鈥檛 been put off by what we had observed at the open house, the most compelling factor and what clinched the decision to choose the program we did was the way our son responded to the options before him and his excitement to attend the school he preferred. I have absolutely no doubt that if a child is comfortable about a school, then that is the place to pursue. In fact, this is my mantra with respect to educational choices and following it has always served me well. First, no matter how wonderful an institution or educational program seems on paper, I think it is essential to visit the school and witness it in action. Second, you may never be able to explain why a particular pre-school, program, or even college feels right, but if it does, then it is right. Conversely, even if a school can boast an impressive array of graduates or possesses state of the art facilities and eye-popping resources, if your child doesn鈥檛 feel right about the place, then the school 颈蝉苍鈥檛 right. For us, the pre-school decision-making process solidified what we always intuitively knew. Our son鈥檚 feelings and views were essential ingredients in determining what next step to take when it concerned him, even where to eat for dinner.

Patsy Kumekawa

May 18, 2020

Be Yourself

鈥淚t is very frustrating not to be understood in this world. If you say one thing and keep being told that you mean something else, it can make you want to scream. But somewhere in the world there is a place for all of us, whether you are an electric form of decoration, peppermint-scented sweet, a source of timber, or a potato pancake.鈥� 鈥� Lemony Snicket, The Latke Who Couldn’t Stop Screaming: A Christmas Story

“Never be ashamed! There’s some who’ll hold it against you, but they’re not worth bothering with.” 鈥� J.K. Rowling

鈥淏e who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don鈥檛 matter, and those who matter don鈥檛 mind.鈥� 鈥� Dr. Seuss

You are Unique and Special and Complex; Embrace It

鈥淭here’s such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I’m such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn’t be half so interesting.鈥� 鈥� L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

You Will Find Your Tribe, and It Will Be Magical

鈥淜indred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It’s splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world.鈥� 鈥� L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

鈥淲e are all a little weird and life鈥檚 a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.鈥� 鈥� Dr. Seuss

Use Your Talents to Make the World a Better Place

“‘We can’t take any credit for our talents. It’s how we use them that counts.'” 鈥� Madeline L’Engle, A Wrinkle in Time

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” 鈥� J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter

Do Not Be Afraid of Failure or Obstacles

“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” 鈥� Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

Live in the Present

鈥淵esterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.鈥� 鈥� A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Embrace Life鈥檚 Quiet Moments

鈥淚n this modern world where activity is stressed almost to the point of mania, quietness as a childhood need is too often overlooked. Yet a child’s need for quietness is the same today as it has always been鈥攊t may even be greater鈥攆or quietness is an essential part of all awareness. In quiet times and sleepy times a child can dwell in thoughts of his own, and in songs and stories of his own.鈥� 鈥� Margaret Wise Brown

Dream Big

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream” 鈥� C.S. Lewis

鈥淟isten to the mustn鈥檛s, child,
Listen to the Don鈥檛s
Listen to the shouldn鈥檛
The Impossible, the won鈥檛s
Listen to the never haves
Then listen close to me 鈥�
Anything can happen child,
Anything can be.鈥�
鈥� Shel Silverstein

鈥淗ow do we know imagination isn’t just a different way of knowing something? A message from outside.鈥� 鈥� Stephanie S. Tolan, Welcome to the Ark

Listen to Your Heart

鈥溾�楨yes are blind. You have to look with the heart!鈥欌�� 鈥� Antoine de Saint-Exup茅ry, The Little Prince

Believe in Yourself

鈥淧romise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.鈥� 鈥� A. A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

What are your favorite lessons from children鈥檚 literature? Share in the comment section below.

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鈥淧erfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.听 It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.鈥澨� -Anne Lamott

Perfectionism has the tendency to lurk in our minds; it is a monster who strives to slash at our dreams and ambitions.听 Giftedness is often connected to high expectation, and sharp minds often become self-effacing when expectations are not met.听 I have watched gifted individuals cower, immobilized by the fear of failure or the dread of creating something less than hoped for.听 I have watched talented writers discard their ideas and gifted artists cast aside their tools because they heeded 鈥� oftentimes without realizing 鈥搕he sibilant whisper of perfectionism.

I recently listened to a woman speak about her gifted son whom she found, curled into a fetal position on his bedroom floor, sobbing.听 She spotted a crumpled piece of paper next to him, and when she picked it up, discovered standardized test scores that placed him in the top 3% in every subject but one.

I know a young girl who, at 11, bypassed her teacher鈥檚 instructions to compose a two-page creative writing project for a writer鈥檚 workshop program by penning a fifteen-page short story about an introverted foster child鈥檚 struggles to integrate into her new family.听 That year, as a sixth-grader, she advanced to a district-wide writing competition.听 When she didn’t place, she cried and cried, dramatically proclaiming that she would 鈥渘ever write again.鈥澨� The next year, she was awarded first place in the same competition.听 Her reaction was not joyful or celebratory; she was not excited for her victory 鈥� she was relieved, as though the award was an assurance that she was, well, okay.听 Like many gifted and high achieving students, she was especially hard on herself; to her, a 鈥淏鈥� was an embarrassing reflection of her own inadequacy.听 By high school, she was so tired of the tumult in her mind that she abandoned academia altogether and found her identity in other things.听 I know her as an adult, and she says that she still feels an internal pull to write, but she is afraid.

The desire to perform well or to produce something worthwhile is a laudable thing.听 When this desire evolves into fear of a less-than-perfect outcome, rendering us incapable of proceeding, we must take measures to fight against the voice that works to unravel our momentum.

In his journal, Ralph Waldo Emerson recorded an observation on writing that might be translated into a commentary on many different types of gifts: 鈥淭he good writer seems to be writing about himself, but has his eye always on that thread of the universe which runs through himself and all things.鈥澨� Similarly, the good artist might paint his own translation of reality, but a brilliant work of art will arouse afflatus in viewers and artists across time.听 An excellent composer might create a piece of music that communicates the cacophony or the gentle melody of a personal experience, yet her song may inspire many, and like Emerson鈥檚 鈥渢hread鈥�, connects her to the rest of the world through the product of her gift.

Our gifts, whether they involve writing, painting, math, engineering, cooking, counseling, or chemistry, are bound to our personalities, spirits, and histories.听 Although you aren鈥檛 the only talented poet, singer, or graphic designer, your voice, your perspective, and your style are unique.听 You are in possession of something specific you must offer unto the world.听 In the words of Dr. Seuss, 鈥淭oday you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.鈥� So I implore you: do not let shackles of perfectionism hold you back.听 Because the thread of the universe which runs through yourself and all things is part of a magnificent tapestry, and your contribution is vital.

The process of creativity is vulnerable; fear and anxiety are normal feelings attached to vulnerability, and we should never attempt to stifle our own feelings or the feelings of children we are trying to encourage.听 The words, 鈥淒on鈥檛 feel that way; nobody鈥檚 perfect!鈥� or 鈥淵ou shouldn鈥檛 be so hard on yourself!鈥� do not help.听 Instead of undermining the very real feelings of uncertainty we face, let us endeavor to fully experience the discomfort of moving forward through the fear, enduring, pushing past the voice of perfectionism, imparting our gifts to the world at large, and contributing to the ultimate tapestry of human creativity.听 Dani Shapiro, author of memoir and fiction, said, 鈥淚 try to remember that the job 鈥� as well as the plight, and the unexpected joy 鈥� of the artist鈥� (and the mathematician, chemist, teacher, aspiring astronaut, future doctor, ballet dancer, and singer) 鈥渋s to embrace uncertainty, to be sharpened and honed by it. To be birthed by it. Each time we come to the end of a piece of work, we have failed as we have leapt鈥攕pectacularly, brazenly 鈥� into the unknown.鈥�

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