Bonnie is the Program Coordinator at ������Ƶ. She has extensive experience working with gifted students and supporting them through the high school and college application process.

As the program coordinator for the Caroline D. Bradley Scholarship, I have been fortunate to get to know, work with and be guided by the experiences and expertise of independent school, college and university admissions deans and directors throughout the United States. This blog is a composite of what I have learned from dialoguing with them.

Last April, a few weeks after sending the acceptance and rejection letters to college applicants, a dean of admissions at one of America’s most selective universities told me the following story:

“Two days after we announced our incoming freshman class, I received a reply from an applicant’s father. It was curt and written on his corporate letterhead: ‘You rejected my son, he’s devastated. See you in court.’ The very next day, I received another letter, but this time from the man’s son. It read: ‘Thank you for not admitting me. This is the best day of my life.’”

All threats aside, receiving a letter like this never warms the hearts of anyone in admissions. It is the consensus of admissions professionals from preschool through college that more and more, today’s parents are getting too involved in their child’s school admissions process – and not merely at the college level. High school and middle school admissions staff have expressed horror stories about parental actions and involvement so completely out of hand that it seems impossible and implausible for otherwise rational people to behave in such off-putting ways. And this behavior never serves the applicant in obtaining the desired positive outcome.

The increasingly bad “parent etiquette” that admissions officers are seeing right now comes from a confluence of several characteristics of our boomer generation: our sense of entitlement, our suspicion of authority and our bad habit of sometimes living too vicariously through our children. It all adds up to some pretty ugly parental behavior often played out in front of our children. A college admissions dean told me, “Today, parents call the admissions office more than the student applicants, often faxing us daily updates on their children’s lives or asking us to return an application already in process so the parent can double-check his/her child’s spelling.” A high school admissions counselor noted a parent who asked whether they should use their official letterhead when writing a letter of recommendation for their own child. It’s not unusual to know parents who openly write their kids’ essays and even attempt to attend their interviews. They make excuses for less than stellar grades or tout athletic promise as “Olympic team potential.”

With many high school and college applicants averaging 6+ extracurricular activities, parents have assumed a new role in their children’s lives: parent-as-manager. Most kids are so busy now that they rely on their parents to attend to the many details associated with being a student, including applying to the next level of their education. Parents need to realize that their many efforts to be helpful are often misinterpreted by admissions officers and can actually be detrimental. When parents visit a high school or college campus and ask all of the questions on the tour, in the information session or at an open house, they may think that they are modeling positive, assertive behavior for their child. Instead, admissions officers may see a passive kid who is too lazy, bored or uninterested in the school to think of any pertinent questions. Ultimately, when parents dominate in any way through the admissions process, in attracting attention to themselves, they are detracting from the perception that their child is mature enough to handle this process on his or her own, whether it’s at the high school or college level. Parent over-involvement can also rob a child of a chance to develop resilience and self-confidence, two key components for a happy, fulfilling life that should begin to be developed in adolescence.

Students should be directed to do all of their own work on their applications, including calling for application materials, setting up interviews and asking questions on campus/school tours—yes, even at the high school level. It is a cop-out for parents to assume these roles with the argument that their son or daughter is “too busy.” Initiative is crucial for young adults because it is the act of trying their wings and acquiring a sense of personal accomplishment as the primary navigators of their high school or college paths.

Here are some “etiquette” tips for parents during the high school and college application process:

1. Ensure decision-making about applying to any prospective school is a two-way street, made by you and your child together. Ultimately, it’s your child who will be attending the school. Listen to your child’s pros and cons about a school and have a frank discussion, adding your thoughts after you’ve heard your child’s overview.
2. Don’t micromanage the whole process for your child or nag him or her about deadlines and tasks to do. If you absolutely can’t leave this area to your child, perhaps create a calendar in easy view or with easy access for your son or daughter listing due dates, etc. You can also put important deadlines into your child’s smartphone calendar or create a Google Calendar and set reminders that will come through to your child but not to you—there’s a big difference in the dissemination of this information.
3. Set a good example by being courteous and polite when you communicate with admissions officers. Thank them if they spend time answering your questions or meet you in person. Greet them with their proper titles. Encourage your child to research the schools before visiting and ask questions that show that he or she has put thought into them reflective of a particular school.
4. Let your child be himself/herself. Don’t try to overly “package” your child into something that you think admissions officers want to see. Schools value individuality and a student pool with a diverse range of experiences, passions, learning styles and accomplishments.
5. Don’t add your voice to your child’s essays or personal statements. You can review the essays by offering suggestions and offer to proofread for grammar and spelling, but do not try to control the content. Your voice is not your child’s voice, and more often than not, it will come off as wooden and lack the nuance and passion that counts more in the overall picture of who your child is than the more sophisticated vocabulary or syntax you are trying to add.
6. Self-advocating is an important part of life. Allow your child to be his or her spokesperson on all school tours and interviews.
7. Never make this an overly competitive process by comparing your child to friends or siblings. Provide your 100% support and encouragement. Your role as parent and primary adult figure is to help guide your child through the ups and downs, the stresses, successes and setbacks of the application process from first thinking about schools to ultimately enrolling. During this time—in between ongoing school, test prep, extracurricular activities, school visits and compiling the many parts of an application—do your best to help your child maintain a healthy lifestyle and stay focused on all that’s positive in the here and now—not only what lies ahead.
8. If a letter from a high school or college—or a highly competitive program such as the Caroline D. Bradley Scholarship—brings sad news, the appropriate response for frustrated parents is to realize that the decision is not a reflection on their parenting, nor is it a value judgment on the worth of their child. Most often, rejections are due to too many excellent applicants and too few available spaces. It’s that basic. The support and encouragement of parents are especially important when their child isn’t accepted to the school or program that they’ve set their heart on…and feel they deserve. Helping your child focus instead on other options and moving forward in a positive direction is the best way to model good adult behavior for the next generation of adults.

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Perfectionism is a quality that I struggle with first hand. Even as an adult, I find myself obsessing over errors in my weekend softball games and silently competing with the runner on the next treadmill at the gym. As a child, I would spend countless hours tearing out pages of sketchbooks and notebooks because there was a misspelled word, a fragmented sentence or even a smudge from my left-handed cursive. A mistake meant that the entire project had to be redone, because if everything didn’t line up perfectly, including my penmanship, it wasn’t worth turning in. Projects and deadlines became daunting, because how could the perfect drawing be executed in just one weekend? After spending time with gifted adolescents throughout the summer, I realized that this was a common trait in gifted students and that I was not alone. I have found ways to focus this perfectionism into more constructive goals as I’ve gotten older, but I still see the importance (especially with gifted children) of addressing the ever “strangling” concept of failure.

Perfectionism often points to “giftedness” because perfection in itself is an abstract idea. Looking for perfection is the thought of pursuing what is possible yet is not concrete in reality. Striving for something better, or reaching your full potential, is not a bad characteristic. However, it can take an emotional turn when you do not create balance in your life. “As with all dimensions of physical, cognitive and emotional well-being, the objective for children who have perfectionistic tendencies should be to find a healthy balance in which there is enough growth, but without undue and debilitating stress” (Matthews, Dona J., and Joanne F. Foster. 2005). Many times this overwhelming stress is an internal conflict that perfectionists impose upon themselves. However, extracurricular activities along with the daunting deadline can have the result of students losing initiative and procrastinating until the last minute. It’s rewarding to pursue excellence; it’s exhausting to disillusion yourself into thinking you’re incapable of completing the task at hand.

Now, as I reflect back on past personal experience, I see how making mistakes can be used as a learning tool. Open communication with students and consistent support is a great start to soothe the frustrations perfectionist behavior inflicts. It can be helpful to address the importance of rewording failures as “learning experiences”, and have faith in the perfectionist to reach his or her overall goals. Not once did I observe what I learned from scoring a 95% on a test. Learning should have been my priority as a perfectionist student, not the grade. This balance of errors and achievements is important for daily life. Without this willingness to take risks and face failure, there would be no innovation or modern day science.

When an assistant asked Thomas Edison, “Well, Mr. Edison, how do you feel about having 1,500 failures to your credit?” Edison replied, “No, they weren’t failures. We now know 1,500 light bulb filaments that don’t work!”

References

Matthews, Dona J., and Joanne F. Foster. Being Smart about Gifted Children: A Guidebook for Parents and Educators. Scottsdale, AZ: Great Potential, 2005. Print.

Silverman, Linda Kreger, and Leland Baska. Counseling the Gifted and Talented. Denver, CO: Love Pub., 1993. Print.

How have you or your kids worked through the challenges that come with perfectionism? Please share in the comment section below.

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Kate Duey is a private college counselor serving gifted students. She has worked with students on traditional schooling paths, home schooled students, community college students, and students seeking accelerated or early college entrance. Kate is a graduate of Harvard College and Harvard Business School. She has a Certificate in College Counseling from UCLA.

What happens if a student graduates from high school exhausted? AP classes, standardized testing, extracurricular activities, sports, music, community service, research projects…and all of those college essays! What if they worked so hard they can’t remember what they like? Are they ready for four or five or six more years?

Among gifted high school students, it is especially important to remember that giftedness is innate to a person, and we should embrace the whole student by supporting their intellectual, social, spiritual, emotional and physical growth. When a gifted student’s high school years disproportionately emphasize intellectual development, the whole person is neglected. Refreshing all parts of a gifted student’s self helps to focus his or her intensities in ways that work with and for the student.

For graduating high school students who find themselves exhausted, an intentional pause to decompress and plan their next steps – a “gap year” between high school and college –could be a viable option. They often enter college with better perspective, more maturity, chronological alignment with his or her class, and enthusiasm for an old or new interest elevates the student’s whole experience.

Taking a gap year does not mean the student does not apply to college as a high school senior; they absolutely should. As a high school student, he or she has access to the teachers and counselors who will write letters of recommendation, grades and test scores are in hand, and good reference materials to search for college are easier to access. Definitely apply! Then, defer.

As a college counselor working with gifted high school students, I’ve twice seriously advised a gap year. One student considered extreme mountaineering, the other living in Europe with extended family. (Admittedly, neither did it.) I’ve talked about it with every student who has an interest in studying foreign languages. Among our tabloid friends, Prince William and Kate Middleton took gap years. Kate spent much of hers studying Italian. Every year, fifty to seventy students defer entrance into Harvard College for a gap year. In 2006, Harvard reported some of the focuses of those gap years:

• Backpacking
• Caring for grandparents
• Writing the Next Great American Novel
• e-commerce startup
• Figure skating
• Kibbutz life
• Language study
• Military service
• Mineralogy
• ���ѳܲ�����
• Political campaigns
• Reading
• Special needs education
• Sports
• Steel drumming
• Storytelling
• Swing dancing
• Working to save money for college

Parents often worry that, by detaching from a year-to-year academic progression, their child will fall behind. Colleges seldom see it that way, and many letters of admission come with the option of deferring for a year. Once in college, students are often encouraged to take a year off, and college student counseling centers freely offer advice about opportunities. Splitting the difference, some colleges offer mid-year entrance, allowing the student a “gap semester.” American University and Brandeis University have formal off-campus programs for first-year fall semester.

A year off can center around any endeavor. Now that average student indebtedness at graduation is $25,200, saving for a year before college can create more flexibility after college. Another opportunity is more family time, especially with grandparents, which may have been sacrificed for academic achievement.

Some parents and students prefer a structured year. There are many services which will match a student with a gap year program, and a quick internet search will yield many. Also, think outside of the box; my personal favorite was a year at Austin Community College studying blacksmithing.

A gap year can make for a more interesting student, capable of adding more to the academic community. Best of all, students can discover their passions and capture their zeitgeist before they begin college.

Has your child considered taking a gap year? Please share your experience in the comment section below.

Kate will be discussing college admissions at our next . The talk will take place at 6:30 pm on February 13, 2013, at the ������Ƶ Learning Center, located at 625 Fair Oaks Avenue, Suite 288, South Pasadena, CA 91030 (across the hall from the ������Ƶ main office). Please RSVP to reception@educationaladvancement.org. We hope to see you there!

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