As parents, each of us has the unique opportunity to be embarrassed by something we said to our children. Whether spoken out of anger, tiredness or an awkward attempt to be funny, adults (present company included鈥�) sometimes regret our words the minute they leave our mouths. The best solution is to apologize to your kid and blame it on your advancing age.

However, there are some times that we say things that, even in retrospect, we think are helpful for our kids to hear鈥nd they’re not; I’ve listed a few of them below. If you find yourself saying “uh oh鈥 just said that last week”, take a deep breath, apologize as needed, and move on. Just don’t say them again, OK?

1. Watch your words and the unintentional impacts they might have.

When an adult says something like this: “You did a great job on this assignment, but鈥�”, the only thing that most kids are likely to remember is what comes after the word “but鈥�” Human nature being what it is, when most people receive a compliment simultaneously with an urge to improve, they focus on what wasn’t done well rather than what was accomplished. This is especially noticeable with those who underachieve. In fact, even if an adult (parent or teacher) compliments a student without mentioning a need to improve, the most of these underachieving students will often add their own caveat, such as “Well, I would have done a better job if I had another week to work on it.” If your child starts telling you that “my project could have been better if鈥�” shut it down in mid-sentence, reminding him or her that the work they did was of high quality. If it is the case that your kid does need to improve in some areas, it’s fine to bring that up–later. Remember: coupling听 a compliment with an urge to do better is a “kick in the but鈥�” that all of us can live without.

2. Say what you really mean.

Often, gifted kids are leery of pursuing something new, for fear that they won’t be successful; they’d rather stick with the tried-and-true than risk doing something original. Adults try to help (but don’t鈥�) by saying something like “I don’t care about your grade as long as you try your best.” To the gifted and/or perfectionistic person, the only of these words remembered are your best.听Of course, the message you intended to send had nothing to do with performing perfectly, as you were just trying to encourage an opportunity to explore something different. The solution to this one is easy–you simply say, “I don’t care about your grade as long as you try.”听That’s what you meant, but taking the onus of peak performance off the table and asking only that your child tries sends a comforting message to someone afraid of failing to reach the expectations of an adult who is trying to help.

3. Erase the word “potential” from your vocabulary.

Another statement likely to land you in places you didn’t intend to go is one that underachieving students, especially, hear all too often: “You’re not working up to your potential.” Such a message, often delivered at parent-teacher conferences, is wrong on many levels. First, it implies that you, the adult(s) know the extent of this kid’s abilities, but you’re not going to get specific about how high they are. Second, it is such a vague statement that no child or teenager possibly knows how to interpret it, as you’ve given no indicators as to where the benchmark of adequate performance lies. Third, instead of focusing on what has been accomplished, this statement beams in on whatever it is that has not been done, the specifics of which are often left unstated. A better approach for a child with high abilities that have not yet been attained is to talk about actual work that has been completed, asking the young person’s own opinion of what was done well, what could have been done better, and what steps (if any) can be taken from this day forward to complete the project or assignment. Specificity builds on the positive rather than talking abstractly about one’s unmet potential.

One final comment on the topic of “potential”: have you reached yours? If so, congratulations! However, my guess is that no one actually believes that potential is an end point, but rather, a constantly evolving target that we strive throughout our lives to reach. You might want to share this nugget of truth with your children, as well.

So鈥eeling guilty? Even a little? Join the club, apologize, move on鈥nd watch your words!

Jim Delisle has worked with and for gifted kids for 40 years.听 He is a Yunasa Fellow and a member of the 优蜜视频 Board of Directors.听 The author of 19 books on gifted children, this blog is an excerpt from his upcoming book, “Doing poorly on purpose: Underachievement and the quest for dignity,” to be published in 2017 by ASCD.

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优蜜视频鈥檚 pioneering unite highly able youngsters with experts in the social and emotional development of gifted children. Campers explore and grow the intellectual, spiritual, emotional, social, and physical aspects of their lives.

When I sat down to write a blog post on the wonder of Yunasa and Yunasa West, I was completely baffled as to how to begin. I sat, hands stagnant upon my keyboard as I searched for words that would adequately capture the essence of this magical summer. When I am thwarted by writer鈥檚 block, I often feel compelled to turn to the words of a beloved author or poet for inspiration. And so, I begin this blog with the words of Hafez, a Persian poet from the fourteenth century.

鈥淲ith That Moon Language鈥� by Hafez

Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, 鈥淟ove me.鈥�
Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise
Someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.
Why not become the one who lives with a
Full moon in each eye that is always saying,
With that sweet moon language, what every other eye in
This world is dying to hear?

At Yunasa last year, I was deeply moved by the overall acceptance I witnessed as the uniqueness and individuality and quirkiness of each child was celebrated by the entire group. I never experienced anything like that amongst my peers as a child, and I felt grateful that a place exists where such unconditional acceptance envelopes each young person. This year, I was especially struck by the wisdom of the campers at both Yunasa and Yunasa West.

I watched, in awe, as campers 鈥� both new and seasoned 鈥� intentionally reached out to include some of the more shy and timid children; I listened, in awe, to conversations between campers that reflected profound insight and deep thought; and I shared conversations with quite a few campers whose empathy and self-understanding touched me deeply. This year, the Counselors in Training (CITs) at Yunasa in Michigan decided to orchestrate a 鈥渇riendship panel,鈥� or an open discussion with the entire population of campers about issues pertaining to relationships amongst friends. The younger campers had lots of questions, both general and specific, and the CITs demonstrated the type of wisdom one encounters within clusters of brilliant philosophers. They led an enlightening and interesting conversation that could easily have continued for hours.

Both camps were marked by traditional Yunasa Programming: Heart of the Matter 鈥� small group sessions with clinical psychologist and Senior Fellow Patty Gatto-Walden; Fellows鈥� Workshops, e.g., Emotional Life of the Brain with Michael Piechowski, Energy Healing with Stef Tolan, Archetypes: The Four-Fold Way with Shelagh Gallagher and Dan Tichenor, and Psychosynthesis Scenarios with Jim Delisle; Counselors鈥� Workshops, e.g., Duct Tape Crafts with Darcy, Russian Fairy Tales with Paul, Soccer with Lucy and Steph, History with Wade, and Music Improv with Ethan; traditional camp activities 鈥� zipline, giant swing, high ropes, kayaking, rock climbing, fishing, and hammockville; Psychosynthesis 鈥� daily guided meditation in small groups; and evening activities such as the Variety Show, Campfire, Social, and Movie Night (we watched Big Hero Six). Special guests of Yunasa West 鈥� Louise Hindle and Dr. Amy Gaesser 鈥� offered workshops on poetry and EFT, respectively. Dr. April DeGennarro, our special guest at Yunasa Michigan, offered two compelling workshops pertaining to the identity we display on social media.

At Yunasa West, each psychosynthesis group performed a skit to demonstrate one of Dabrowski鈥檚 overexcitabilities. The Fellows, counselors, and I laughed hysterically as our wise young campers harnessed their creativity and impressive theatric talent to portray individuals who exemplify the intellectual, sensual, imaginational, emotional, and psychomotor overexcitabilities. Although we all laughed 鈥� a lot 鈥� their dramatic depictions were not far from reality!

This year, we read Listen! by Stef Tolan to correspond with the Yunasa theme, which was also 鈥淟isten.鈥� We chose this theme because listening to our bodies, minds, spirits, emotions, and, of course, listening to one another is imperative as we seek balance. At Yunasa, we aim to pay attention 鈥� to listen closely 鈥� to the world around us, even as we sit silently amongst the trees, absorbing the sounds, colors, life, and history of our surroundings. Listening and mindfulness are closely related. As I listen, I grow attentive to the way my body feels and what that means; I am able to gauge my emotions with a deeper sensitivity; I am more equipped to empathize with others.

I have now participated in three Yunasa camps, and each time, I come home with a heightened sense of attentiveness. My interactions with the Fellows, campers, and counselors of Yunasa help me return to a vibrant place of attention. We miss so much when we dwell inside our heads, bend our heads over our phones, and stare blankly as we move through life. Thank you, people of Yunasa, for existing and for inspiring.

And with that, I shall end this blog post in the same way it began.

鈥淭en times a day something happens to me like this 鈥� some strengthening throb of amazement 鈥� some good sweet empathic ping and swell. This is the first, the wildest and the wisest thing I know: that the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness.鈥�
鈥揗ary Oliver

These are common behaviors of gifted children, and it is not unusual that parents of gifted children have concerns about their child鈥檚 friendships. Gifted individuals possess a unique combination of characteristics that can influence how and why they establish friendships.

The gifted child may only have one or two friends, but they will likely be very deep friendships.

Gifted kids may have an extremely close connection to one or two people rather than a large group of friends. This is okay. It does become a problem, however, when there is a falling out with one of these very close friends, which can cause great distress in a gifted child. It is important to be sensitive to this, to help your child navigate through this difficult experience, and to help him or her understand that there are other friends out there.

Additionally, the gifted child鈥檚 friendships are often extremely meaningful and deep. found that hierarchical stages of friendship and what a child looks for and requires in a friend develops based on mental age, rather than chronological age, especially in the early years. Gifted children look for others with whom they can relate on a deeper level, and they feel more intensely than their non-gifted peers.

The gifted child will often make friends with others much older than he or she.

Gifted children look for intellectual peers. If there are no kids their age who are on a similar intellectual level, they often tend towards making friendships with older kids, who have more knowledge and life experience than that of their age peers.

As Jim Delisle says in Parenting Gifted Kids: Tips for Raising Happy and Successful Children, 鈥淕ifted children often prefer the company of adults or older children. The reason is obvious: They don鈥檛 need to explain who they are or how they know what they know. Accepted as bright, competent individuals, the stigma of being smart is not a stigma at all鈥� (22).

Additionally, the aforementioned study by Gross indicates that your gifted child鈥檚 expectations of friendship may differ from his or her chronological peers, making it difficult to connect on that deeper level gifted children crave. In addition to seeking out older children as friends because they are mental age peers, the study suggests that gifted children 鈥渕ay also be looking for children whose conceptions and expectations of friendship are similar to their own.鈥�

Activities of interest to your gifted child that combine children of different ages can be an excellent place for him or her to develop friendships.

The gifted child may also make friends with others much younger than he or she.

To the gifted child that does not find many chronological peers at his or her intellectual level, younger children are often satisfying companions. Younger children are not supposed to be on the same intellectual level as them, so gifted children understand why younger children are different intellectually. This friendship will often take shape as that of a mentor/mentee relationship, with the gifted child acting as a role model for the younger child.

Gifted children need intellectual peers.

Stuck in a classroom based on their chronological age rather than intellectual or academic level, gifted children often struggle to form connections with their classmates. Additionally, they think differently and have different interests than their classmates; the lack of commonality can create an even wider divide. If your child cannot find intellectual peers at school, enroll him or her in activities that lend themselves to interaction across a wider age group or activities with other intellectually advanced kids.

Gifted children need to spend time with other gifted children.

It is important for your child to understand that he or she is different from most kids of the same age, but it is equally important to know that there are other kids out there like him or her. Knowing they are not alone really helps gifted kids. Try to find a that your child can attend, like 优蜜视频鈥檚 programs, even if it is only in the summer. If there are no appropriate local or in-person opportunities available, the internet and technology make it much easier for our gifted kids to connect with each other despite geographic separation.

Friendship is an important need for both children and adults. It is the primary catalyst for children learning to develop and grow their social self. To a gifted child, however, friendship is different, and it is important to recognize these differences. Understanding your gifted child鈥檚 social needs can help avoid misinterpreting their behavior (鈥淲hy does my child only have one or two friends?鈥�) and can help your child build new friendships and nurture existing ones.

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This post is part of the Hoagies’ Gifted Education Page August Blog Hop on Gifted Friendships.

When I first began working with gifted kids in 1978, I had no idea that I’d still be doing so 36 years later. Those first gifted 4th-5th graders I taught in Stafford Springs, Connecticut are now closer to their retirements than their college graduations. That should make me feel old (OK鈥 am old!), but thanks to a decision I made more than 20 years ago, my vitality remains. That decision?: to never be more than a week away from teaching gifted kids.

My career trajectory led me from the elementary classroom to the college lecture hall, a much easier place to teach. There are no parent phone calls to return while teaching college, and discipline problems are minimal. Still, I found something lacking in teaching my graduate students. It wasn’t that they weren’t sincere in wishing to earn their degrees, it’s just that they were all so鈥redictable. And if there’s one thing I learned while teaching gifted kids, it was that predictability was not a quality that many of them possessed. “Quirky” (yes, that would fit), “spontaneous” (鈥aybe that’s why I could never get through my intended lesson without several student-led detours) and “intense” (couldn’t any of them, just once, practice the fine art of intellectual moderation?). The longer I worked with gifted kids and teens, the more I came to appreciate that the vigor they displayed while engaged in learning something new and relevant had an unexpected impact on me–their excitement became a non-prescription elixir that served as my personal fountain of youth. Thanks to gifted kids, I may look my age, yet I neither think nor act it. Thanks to gifted kids, I feel like Peter Pan.

If they’re lucky, parents of gifted kids retain this same degree of youth when they interact with their children. I mean how can you not giggle out loud when your 4-year-old daughter asks, “If butter melts yellow, and chocolate melts brown, why doesn’t snow melt white?” It’s a perfectly fine question, based on observational data your gifted kid picked up simply by being alert to the world. The answer to this question may evade you, but just the thought that someone so young has so much intellectual power and curiosity helps keep you mentally robust and alert. And how about when your 15-year-old son wants to engage you in an “oxymoron contest”, with some of his entries being “cafeteria food”, “authentic replicas”, “bigger half” and “Congressional wisdom”. Even if you can’t top these “instant classics” (another oxymoron), the banter between the two of you is bound to make you feel younger than your years.

Three and a half decades of gifted kids have introduced me to countless characters who have changed–indeed, enhanced–my life. I continue to cling to my youth today by doing part-time teaching of highly gifted 9th graders who are enrolled in college and by serving as a “Fellow” at 优蜜视频’s camp every July, working with gifted 10-14 year olds at a YMCA camp in Michigan. Yeah, my soon-to-be-ancient bones ache when the alarm rings at 5:15 a.m. so I can get to school on time, and sleeping on a plastic-covered camp bed does little to enhance my burgeoning arthritis, yet underneath these physical discomforts remains one of the best feelings in the world: a continuing connection to gifted kids who keep my spirit alive and well.

Seek your own eternal youth: surround yourself with as many gifted kids as you can find.

About Jim Delisle:

Jim Delisle serves on the Board of Directors of 优蜜视频 and interacts with gifted kids frequently. His upcoming book, Dumbing Down America: The War on Our Nation’s Most Capable Youth, will be published in August, 2014.

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