As parents of gifted children, we鈥檝e all had our share of 鈥渢hose moments.鈥� Like when our child has a enormous melt-down in the store aisle, or when we are late for school or work, because our child can鈥檛 leave the house until the tags on their clothes are all cut off, or when we鈥檝e reached our limit and yell, because, well we鈥檙e human too.

After experiencing one of those moments, what do you tell yourself? Do you quickly blame yourself or others, do you berate yourself for messing up, or replay the situation over and over reminding yourself of what a failure you are as a parent? Have you ever responded by telling yourself, 鈥楾his is really hard. You鈥檙e really suffering now. You鈥檙e going to be ok, you鈥檙e doing the best you can.鈥� Take a moment to reflect on a recent one of those moments. Now imagine if you were to hear the same narrative from one of your dearest friends. What would you say to them? Would you have a critical response, blaming or shaming them for a mistake, or would you offer them compassion and empathy? I鈥檓 assuming that if you鈥檙e like most people, you wouldn鈥檛 imagine telling them some of the same things that you so easily tell yourself.

Parenting is a slippery slope. It鈥檚 one of the most challenging endeavors we encounter as human beings, and yet, there are no absolute instructions. However, when we look around us, someone else always seems to be doing it better. It鈥檚 really easy to fall into the shame trap as parents: never feeling good enough, being keenly aware of our shortcomings and mistakes, or replaying the highlight reel of our latest blunders. However, learning to practice self-compassion is the antidote to all those shame poisons we commonly ingest after a challenging day. Self-compassion quells the voices of doubt, shame, criticism, and judgement.

So what exactly is self-compassion? It鈥檚 offering ourselves empathy and compassion, just as we would to a dear friend or to our child in a time of suffering or pain. When we learn to recognize our own voices of criticism, perfectionism, comparison, judgment, or shame, and turn them around into kindness and empathy, we are practicing self-compassion.

Researcher and author, Kristin Neff, Ph.D., () talks about self- compassion as 3 essential components.

• Self-Kindness vs.Self-Judgement: 鈥淔irst, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental.鈥�
• Common Humanity vs. Isolation: 鈥淪econd, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our 鈥�
• Mindfulness vs. Overidentification: 鈥淭hird, it requires mindfulness鈥攖hat we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating 鈥�

I鈥檝e noticed in my own life, along with other parents that I know, it鈥檚 easy to begin with good intentions to make positive changes, or develop a new practice, but then life seems to always get in the way. For me, I鈥檝e become conscious of what I need to be stay aware and grounded, and in turn able to be compassionate to myself and others. There are four things that will always work against us, and sabotage our efforts of self-compassion.

• 鈥淭he Shoulds鈥�: Whenever I detect disappointment or resentment creeping up inside me, I know that I need to check my expectations. When we can be honest about the expectations we have for ourselves as a parent, or for our鈥檚 child鈥檚 behavior or achievements, then we can explore where they鈥檝e come from and if they鈥檙e realistic or not.
• Shame: When we see ourselves as flawed, not good enough, or as a failure, our core worthiness is in jeopardy, and we will inevitably struggle with showing ourselves kindness and
• Shrinking Space: A packed life and schedule leaves no room or margin for error, reflection, or intentional practices. Practicing simplicity of schedule builds in space for the unexpected moments of life that will inevitable
• Swift Speed: When we are able to slow down, we are able to cultivate patience for ourselves and towards our children. Patience is an important piece of showing kindness and

Take a moment today, to play back something that happened recently between you and your child that didn鈥檛 go well. This time, adjust your lens to see yourself and the situation with empathy and self-compassion. Then offer yourself words and actions of comfort and compassion, just as you would to a good friend. Nurturing yourself is not selfish or indulgent, it鈥檚 essential for our own emotional well being, and goes a long way in modeling self-compassion to our children as well.

Michele is leading our September Gifted Support Group Meeting.聽

Topic:聽Parenting, the Self-Compassion Way

As parents of gifted and exceptional children, we are often focused on the pursuit of finding the individuals, services, experiences, etc. that will adequately meet our children鈥檚 ever-changing needs. But what about us? What about our experiences and inner worlds? In this presentation, therapist and parent of gifted and 2e children, Michelle Bodwell, will discuss the importance of tuning into ourselves, recognizing our inner dialogue, and cultivating a practice of empathy and self- compassion for the parenting journey.

Biography:

Michelle Bodwell is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Board-Certified Art Therapist with a private practice in South Pasadena. In her practice, she specializes working with women, of all ages, guiding them in finding creative solutions for life鈥檚 problems. Through the journey of parenting her own gifted and 2e children, she understands the struggles and challenges of raising exceptional individuals and lends her experiences in leading A Mother鈥檚 Retreat, a parenting support group for mothers of children with high emotional needs. For more information go to

Fall is here. School has started again, and the wonderful freedom and chaos of summer has come to an end. As a parent, I do my best to embrace the fullness of each summer season. The loosening of the scheduling belt, the extended bedtimes, invitations for play and rest, and the messy, frivolous fun. But to be honest, by the tenth week, I鈥檓 ready for it all to be over. For the routine to resume, the schedules to be set, and for the intensity to diminish. Often for families of gifted children, the summer can be a time of , or it can be a season of , boredom or frustration for parent and child.

With the passing of each season, and the beginning of each new year, I am reminded of how parenting is a long-distance journey. Sometimes it feels as if I am just 鈥渟urviving鈥� each passing season, while experiencing the fullness of life and living from a place of intentionality eludes me. My deep desire is to live each season of my child鈥檚 development being engaged, present, and intentional. This is far from being a 鈥減erfect parent,” and includes giving myself permission to not necessarily like each challenge and struggle that my child and I face. Rather it is about making sure that I show up and be present with and for my child. To be able to attain this desire, I have to regularly practice awareness of my own strengths, resources, and most of all, my own needs.

As parents we are so diligent in preparing our child for their future, making sure that their academic, relational, and physical needs are met. Additionally, parenting gifted, 2e, and can pose a unique strain on our personal and internal resources. Yet, as parents, we often neglect our own needs for connection, renewal, and personal growth. We鈥檝e all heard the saying before, 鈥淧ut on your own oxygen mask first before assisting another person.鈥� Tending to our own physical, emotional, intellectual, relational, and spiritual needs is vital for our own health and well-being, but also for our children鈥檚. Daily, our children are seeing a model in us of what adulthood looks like. How we tend to our health, growth, or relationships can set a valuable example to them that
they may emulate in their own lives.

For me, the beginning of a new school year has become a time to reevaluate my own life and needs, and set new intentions for the season ahead. This fall, I encourage you to take some time to reflect on your own life. I like to call it a 鈥渓ife inventory.鈥� Reflect on the five domain life areas and which ones you tend to favor or nurture, and which tend to be forgotten or even dismissed. Ask yourself the sustainability question: 鈥淗ow long could I go on this way, and what would be the results?鈥� Sometimes the answer to that question can be fairly revealing or shocking. After taking inventory, set some intentions for yourself to develop some of your more tender areas. This isn鈥檛 about packing your schedule with more 鈥渢o do鈥檚鈥� or activities for yourself. It鈥檚 about listening deeply to your life, and recognizing what changes you need to pursue to bring about more intentionality, meaning, and wholehearted living. Not only will you be refueled for the continued journey at hand, but I fully believe that our children will benefit from us modeling a life well-lived with purposeful engagement and authenticity. Wishing you a wonderful fall season, and may we all never stop learning and growing!

For those readers in the Pasadena/Los Angeles area, beginning on September 26th I am leading an eight week parenting support group for mothers raising children with high emotional intensity. This unique group provides a place to share with other mothers, give and receive support, and to reflect on yourself as a parent. If you鈥檙e looking for an opportunity to grow in your own awareness and move towards intentional parenting聽then go to to learn more.

Michelle Bodwell, LMFT, ATR specializes in providing individual and group therapy for women in all seasons of life. Her goal is to provide each woman with a safe and therapeutic place to explore their feelings, be supported, find creative solutions to problems, and to become a more fully integrated whole person. She is a mother to two amazing gifted sons, who have been by far, her best teachers in life.

Like this post?聽聽to receive more stories, information, and resources about gifted youth straight to your inbox.

As parents of gifted children, we all have our own memories of the moment or moments which led to our realization that we had a gifted child. Whether it was the comment of another, the feedback from an evaluation, or our own intuitions, we remember it clearly. Our world changed in that moment, and marked the beginning of our journey into the world of giftedness.

My own journey as a parent began with the birth of a wonderful son, who after his first birthday went from an observant baby to a highly verbal, quite independent, and intense toddler. Since his birth had ushered me into parenthood, I didn鈥檛 have any other benchmarks to compare his development against, but there were times that I noticed that his seemed different from his peers. When my mother would marvel at my son鈥檚 quickly paced development, I shrugged it off as a grandmotherly-bias. However, about 5 years into his life, when a psychologist friend, who also had a child of the same age said to me, 鈥淗e鈥檚 gifted,鈥� the light finally went on for me. This was my moment of realization.

After testing confirmed that he was highly gifted, I threw myself headlong into learning more about this new world that now was my reality. Reading books, attending SENG parent meetings, pursuing various evaluations, seeing therapists and doctors, and researching educational options were part of my life for the next several years. Navigating the 2e path for my second son who came along 18 months after my first, proved to be a little smoother since part of it had already been paved. Now, more than a decade later, I can say that I am still learning as a parent, how to address all the needs that gifted children have: intellectual, educational, emotional, physical, relational, spiritual, etc.

One of the biggest challenges for me as a parent of gifted children, has been learning how to address to their emotional sensitivity and intensity. My bookshelves hold a host of books aimed at parenting sensitive, intense, explosive, inattentive and out-of-sync children. Even though prior to motherhood, I was educated and trained as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I had to dig deep to find new tools and methods to handle what my parenting duties required: navigating huge meltdowns at transitions or changes, soothing the deep anxiety and existential crises that would ward off sleep night after night, or quelling the anger and rage that ensued after a perceived injustice. I remember the relief that came when I learned of Dabrowski鈥檚 research on overexcitabilities, which normalized these responses for gifted children who felt deeply and expressed fully. This knowledge also helped me to adjust my responses to my children鈥檚 behavior; to offer more understanding and empathy, and to work on reinforcing the connection that I had with them, so that when we had rough times, we had a strong foundation to support us. Through these changes, I was able to shift from seeing these challenges as 鈥渋ssues or problems,鈥� and rather to acknowledging them as the gifts that they are, the capacity for deep emotional awareness and relational depth.

As I learned more about giftedness, I began to see more clearly that some of the clients I was seeing as a therapist were raising gifted children, or dealing with their own giftedness as adults. As parents of exceptional children, they expressed feeling exhausted and tired from the non-stop energy of their children, or being overwhelmed with handling intense emotions, or feeling isolated and lonely from those around them who couldn鈥檛 relate to their parenting stories.The mothers described all the energy they were directing towards getting all the necessary support for their children, while desperately being in need of support for themselves.

This became another moment of realization for me. In response to hearing about these needs, I launched A Mother鈥檚 Retreat, a group designed to support the mothers of children with emotional intensity and sensitivity. By providing a safe and nurturing environment, my desire is for each person who attends to be encouraged, supported and to most importantly, know that they are not alone. Taking what I have learned from the past decade, I now have the opportunity to provide for others a unique space where mothers can come together and share their lives, to gain insight, and be refreshed. And so my own journey continues, being informed by what I see and learn as I raise myown children, while listening to the stories of others. Wherever you are along your own unique journey of raising a gifted child, I hope that you have understanding people to encourage, support, and share the road with you.

To learn more about A Mother鈥檚 Retreat or gifted friendly therapy services, go to聽

Michelle Bodwell, LMFT, ATR specializes in providing individual and group therapy for women in all seasons of life. Her goal is to provide each woman with a safe and therapeutic place to explore their feelings, be supported, find creative solutions to problems, and to become a more fully integrated whole person. She is a mother to two amazing gifted sons, who have been by far, her best teachers in life.

Like this post? to receive more stories, information, and resources about gifted youth straight to your inbox.