Your child is emotional. Anxious. Melting down. Telling you that you’re the worst parent. Ever. Not in so many words, necessarily. But still. You know that you’re the worst parent. Ever.

“How can such a smart kid behave this way?” you wonder. “How did I screw up so badly?” 

I hear this often from parents of gifted children. Here’s what I tell them:

1. Gifted kids are EMOTIONAL. Their passionate natures can be as large as their intellects. You can respect their emotions while setting boundaries around inappropriate behavior. They’ll be calmer if they know that you’re compassionate and in charge.

2. Helping your children contain emotion is different from repressing or denying those feelings. Containment is useful, especially when you’re out in public places where screeching will be frowned upon. They can visualize a beautiful object or a cabinet or a tree or whatever their creative minds can dream up that will lovingly hold their emotions when it’s inappropriate to let them flail about. A great resource for visualizations is .

3. Because smart kids are very perceptive, little things that others don’t notice will affect them. That includes the sounds of people chewing or the scent of your detergent. They’re not neurotic. They’re sensitive. They’ll also be finely tuned in to you. They’ll know when you’re worrying about their grades and pretending that you’re not worrying about their grades. It’s often best to confess the truth.

4. If we’re talking about 15 year old girls (more or less) and their moms, don’t ignore the awesome power of hormones. Let us all give hormones our utmost respect. They will win every time. Sometimes all you can do is ride the wave or go read a good book. (or visit your naturopath, acupuncturist or doctor)

5. Recognize when you start channeling your parents. This is not usually helpful. If you find that your mother’s criticism is coming out of your mouth or your father’s anger is simmering below the surface, consider . A good therapist can help you dig your own voice out from under the rubble.

6. Avoiding will be hard if your children think faster than you do. Use the “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you” method. Give yourself time to make decisions so you don’t feel pressured. It’ll be easier for everyone to stay calm. Including you. Remember that your child will feel safer if you’re in charge.

7. You may be a problem solver and action oriented. When your children are in pain, it’s hard to not want to stop the pain immediately. Instead, start listening. Reflect back what you hear. Validate feelings. Ask them if they want your help problem solving. If you’re listening well, they can often come up with their own solutions. At first, this may feel awkward and contrived. Explain to your kids what you’re trying to do and they’ll be patient with you. You may think that you’re already listening and that it’s not working. Ask your children if they think you’re listening and then believe them when they tell you that you aren’t. (That said, set limits on how long you listen if your child tends to go on and on and on.)

8. If your own childhood was less than ideal, you might lose patience when your child is freaking out, especially if you were never allowed to complain, cry or fall apart. Give yourself some grace around your reactivity. Find a way to allow the child in you to express her or himself. A journal can be a great way to safely complain, cry or fall apart. Then again, if you need more help, look for some good resources or seek out your friendly local psychotherapist.

9. There are no perfect parents. Your mistakes are an opportunity to show your child how to learn from mistakes, how to understand that a mistake is not the same as a failure, and that even failure is an opportunity for growth.

Your child is emotional. Anxious. Melting down. Gifted. And so are you.

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How do you manage your emotions and your sensitivities while raising your super intense super smart children? How do you raise your children without unconsciously repeating the patterns set down by your own parents?

I’m guessing that you think about this a lot. Especially at 3am when you’re desperately trying to sleep. Or when you hear your mother’s criticism spewing out of your own mouth directed at your 4-year-old. Or when you notice your father’s rage lurking behind your eyes.

Living with rainforest-minded kids when you yourself have those same traits can be overwhelming and even a tad frightening. All of that energy and sensitivity roiling around. All of your kids’ questions, curiosities and meltdowns flying hither and thither. Not to mention the less-than-ideal parenting you may have received. Or the judgment from other parents who think you have it easy. Or the judgment from yourself that you aren’t the perfect parent. That’s a lot to handle.

Let me give you a hug right now. For starters. You are not alone. This is not easy. Hug.

Here are some thoughts:

1. There’s a lot of empathy for you online from parents who are right there with you. You can read their experiences, guidance and resources and . Read a sampling of their blogs and bookmark your favorites. There’s also a psychologist online who has raised gifted kids. Find her .
2. Make a list of ways to to , and to find . Then DO THEM. Your kids will benefit. You know this but you still don’t do it. Am I right? Remind yourself that your will be good modeling for your kids. When you feel guilty, tell yourself that you’re doing it for your them.
3. When you lose your cool, which you will, apologize. Your children will not be damaged irrevocably when you blow it. The apology allows your children to see that they don’t have to be perfect and that they can apologize when they’re not perfect. Imagine how your life would be different if your parents had apologized to you for their mistakes.
4. When it comes to not of your parents, well, it’s complicated. And depending on how dysfunctional things were, it can feel overwhelming or impossible. As you can imagine, there’s no quick fix. But you can . You probably already have to some extent. Of course, you know I’m going to recommend if you were raised with any kind of abuse. That said, there are many creative self-help tools for you to explore. Some are: Seena Frost’s , , yoga and other , techniques, making art/ playing music, spiritual practices, and .
5. To get support for your and to find join this growing .
6. And, finally, read !ĚýYour Rainforest Mind: A Guide to the Well-Being of Gifted Adults and Youth to be released mid-June 2016. Along with untangling the complexities of the rainforest mind, I describe client cases from my counseling practice and explain how we addressed both their childhood issues and their giftedness. There are many self-help strategies and resources included. Buy copies for your , relatives, kids, teachers, neighbors, physician, ex-partner, mail carrier and anyone else who might need help understanding you.

This post originally appeared on and has been reprinted with permission.

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