As parents of gifted children, we鈥檝e all had our share of 鈥渢hose moments.鈥� Like when our child has a enormous melt-down in the store aisle, or when we are late for school or work, because our child can鈥檛 leave the house until the tags on their clothes are all cut off, or when we鈥檝e reached our limit and yell, because, well we鈥檙e human too.

After experiencing one of those moments, what do you tell yourself? Do you quickly blame yourself or others, do you berate yourself for messing up, or replay the situation over and over reminding yourself of what a failure you are as a parent? Have you ever responded by telling yourself, 鈥楾his is really hard. You鈥檙e really suffering now. You鈥檙e going to be ok, you鈥檙e doing the best you can.鈥� Take a moment to reflect on a recent one of those moments. Now imagine if you were to hear the same narrative from one of your dearest friends. What would you say to them? Would you have a critical response, blaming or shaming them for a mistake, or would you offer them compassion and empathy? I鈥檓 assuming that if you鈥檙e like most people, you wouldn鈥檛 imagine telling them some of the same things that you so easily tell yourself.

Parenting is a slippery slope. It鈥檚 one of the most challenging endeavors we encounter as human beings, and yet, there are no absolute instructions. However, when we look around us, someone else always seems to be doing it better. It鈥檚 really easy to fall into the shame trap as parents: never feeling good enough, being keenly aware of our shortcomings and mistakes, or replaying the highlight reel of our latest blunders. However, learning to practice self-compassion is the antidote to all those shame poisons we commonly ingest after a challenging day. Self-compassion quells the voices of doubt, shame, criticism, and judgement.

So what exactly is self-compassion? It鈥檚 offering ourselves empathy and compassion, just as we would to a dear friend or to our child in a time of suffering or pain. When we learn to recognize our own voices of criticism, perfectionism, comparison, judgment, or shame, and turn them around into kindness and empathy, we are practicing self-compassion.

Researcher and author, Kristin Neff, Ph.D., () talks about self- compassion as 3 essential components.

• Self-Kindness vs.Self-Judgement: 鈥淔irst, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental.鈥�
• Common Humanity vs. Isolation: 鈥淪econd, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our 鈥�
• Mindfulness vs. Overidentification: 鈥淭hird, it requires mindfulness鈥攖hat we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating 鈥�

I鈥檝e noticed in my own life, along with other parents that I know, it鈥檚 easy to begin with good intentions to make positive changes, or develop a new practice, but then life seems to always get in the way. For me, I鈥檝e become conscious of what I need to be stay aware and grounded, and in turn able to be compassionate to myself and others. There are four things that will always work against us, and sabotage our efforts of self-compassion.

• 鈥淭he Shoulds鈥�: Whenever I detect disappointment or resentment creeping up inside me, I know that I need to check my expectations. When we can be honest about the expectations we have for ourselves as a parent, or for our鈥檚 child鈥檚 behavior or achievements, then we can explore where they鈥檝e come from and if they鈥檙e realistic or not.
• Shame: When we see ourselves as flawed, not good enough, or as a failure, our core worthiness is in jeopardy, and we will inevitably struggle with showing ourselves kindness and
• Shrinking Space: A packed life and schedule leaves no room or margin for error, reflection, or intentional practices. Practicing simplicity of schedule builds in space for the unexpected moments of life that will inevitable
• Swift Speed: When we are able to slow down, we are able to cultivate patience for ourselves and towards our children. Patience is an important piece of showing kindness and

Take a moment today, to play back something that happened recently between you and your child that didn鈥檛 go well. This time, adjust your lens to see yourself and the situation with empathy and self-compassion. Then offer yourself words and actions of comfort and compassion, just as you would to a good friend. Nurturing yourself is not selfish or indulgent, it鈥檚 essential for our own emotional well being, and goes a long way in modeling self-compassion to our children as well.

Michele is leading our September Gifted Support Group Meeting.聽

Topic:聽Parenting, the Self-Compassion Way

As parents of gifted and exceptional children, we are often focused on the pursuit of finding the individuals, services, experiences, etc. that will adequately meet our children鈥檚 ever-changing needs. But what about us? What about our experiences and inner worlds? In this presentation, therapist and parent of gifted and 2e children, Michelle Bodwell, will discuss the importance of tuning into ourselves, recognizing our inner dialogue, and cultivating a practice of empathy and self- compassion for the parenting journey.

Biography:

Michelle Bodwell is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Board-Certified Art Therapist with a private practice in South Pasadena. In her practice, she specializes working with women, of all ages, guiding them in finding creative solutions for life鈥檚 problems. Through the journey of parenting her own gifted and 2e children, she understands the struggles and challenges of raising exceptional individuals and lends her experiences in leading A Mother鈥檚 Retreat, a parenting support group for mothers of children with high emotional needs. For more information go to

The is within all of us. As I start writing this blog, I find myself typing and deleting, starring at the screen trying to brainstorm the perfect sentence to write. Perfect sentence to write? That sounds oxymoronic!

Perfectionism is often branded as a positive stereotype, whereas if a person is a perfectionist, he or she must already mastered their school/work, they are going above and beyond and do not require additional help 鈥� much like the positive stereotypes associated with the needs of a gifted student.

Perfectionism is defined as the disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. When in reality being perfect is just a myth, people who struggle with perfectionism are left with doubts and unacceptability. Perfectionists often experience self-criticism, anxiety, and isolation, which can lead to lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and sometimes depression.

Gifted children 鈥� who exhibit , highly self-critical, and have a high standard for excellence 鈥� are prone to struggle with perfectionism. They crave the perfect feedback from their teachers and parents; they take great pride in being known by their peers as the person who knows the answer to everything; they believe, based on their experience, that learning should always come easy; and they are good at anticipating expectations and try to live their lives by the approval of others.

Perfectionism manifests itself in multiple ways, and the struggle can be a lifelong challenge. It is important to recognize the debilitating qualities of this trait, but trying to manage it or even overcome it, is certainly possible.

These are some of the techniques people have shared:

1. Value the journey

In so many cases, people put a tremendous amount of effort working toward their goal. Just because you fall short of your own expectations, does not mean you did not learn anything or you are a failure. The lessons and skills you learned along the way are valuable and can be applied to other tasks in the future.

Take exercising for example. It is one of the best ways to give value to progress. You may not be able to run a marathon in one week, but every time you run, you can feel the muscle ache and know that you are getting ever-so-closer to your goal. The end does not justify the means. The journey matters.

2. Meditate

Meditation is a great opportunity to catch up with your thoughts and regulate imagination. Rather than allowing your imagination to conjure the worst possible outcomes when you feel you have let yourself or other people down, take a mental 鈥渢ime out鈥� and meditate. Meditation increases sensory awareness, and helps with self-regulation. It is a moment to practice leaving behind self-doubt and judgement to just focus on the power of now.

3. Practice self-compassion

When you feel overwhelmed with intense emotional stimuli, take a moment to practice breathing, and relive your favorite moment of the day. Take pride in small achievements of the day 鈥� did you make your bed this morning? What acts of self-care did you do? Asking positive mindset oriented questions can shift your mental state and lift you out of the dark place. Fill in the blank and remind yourself that 鈥淚 am worthy of___.鈥� No one is best at everything, all the time. Recognizing your potential and allowing yourself to learn from mistakes is a great way to practice self-compassion.

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