Future-tripping. Future what? Future-tripping is an actual clinical term that my daughter the psychologist recently explained after she unceremoniously told me to STOP future-tripping, also known as anticipatory anxiety: when one worries about something that hasn鈥檛 even happened yet. This anxiety comes from overthinking, from an attempt to over-engineer the future as if it鈥檚 all within our control. Which, of course, it isn鈥檛. The thinking goes, 鈥渋f I just worry enough about ____ (fill in the blank), I can control the outcome.鈥� Which, of course, we cannot. And that makes us anxious. Future-tripping stems from anxiety and it feeds anxiety; quite the vicious cycle. And we all future-trip to some extent. It becomes problematic, however, when we lose the here-and-now for some nebulous what if down some imaginary road.

If we spend our time worrying about things which we have no control over, that鈥檚 a recipe for misery. Future-tripping is often rooted in our desire and often unconscious wishing that we can control a situation or an outcome, when in fact, we can鈥檛. To quote Timon from The Lion King, 鈥�Life鈥檚 just gonna happen, and we got to roll along with it.鈥� But we do have the power to choose how we want to feel and react each step of the way. It鈥檚 totally human to want to control a situation, but since we realistically can鈥檛 know what the future holds, changing the framing of our worries frees us to handle uncertain possibilities.

The reality is that we live in very uncertain times. 2020 was no picnic, and 2021 is still topsy turvy for many of us. I have the pleasure and privilege to work with incredibly capable, high-performing, achievement-oriented, academically-and-otherwise exceptional students. To most people looking at these superstars on paper and in person, they present as exceptional, destined for great opportunities and experiences, future leaders, movers and shakers, global powerhouses for positive change. But to many of my community鈥檚 parents, their future-tripping removes them from the reality of who their sons and daughters are. I repeatedly hear, 鈥淚t鈥檚 so competitive, what if ____ (fill in the names of sons and daughters) doesn鈥檛 get into such-and-such prestigious high school? How will he/she get into such-and-such prestigious college??鈥� Or, 鈥淲hat if_____ doesn鈥檛 get into ANY high school???鈥� While this is almost never the case in my 16+ years of experience as director of the Caroline D. Scholarship program鈥攖hink about the ripple effect when parents鈥� hand-wringing worries manifest as real in the minds and psyches of their sons and daughters. When the students I work with–who have already been vetted by experts in the admissions and education world and selected as CDB Scholars– internalize or vocalize these doubts, any semblance of their already shaky teenage self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth crumble. The fallout is that these young people are too often reduced to questioning ANY of their choices or decisions and lose the reality of who they are, all that they鈥檝e accomplished and all that they鈥檙e capable of achieving. They start to manifest many of the negative thought processes that come from future-tripping.

When parents and students become so focused on what they think lies ahead as anxiety-producing, scary and negative, they lose any reality of the world they鈥檙e living in NOW, in the present. I am constantly reminding the high school seniors I work with that their college application process is only one aspect of their highly anticipated senior year. To focus entirely on impossible- to- predict what if鈥檚 pertaining to where their next chapter will take them completely negates the experiences, opportunities and perks they鈥檝e worked for the last three years to arrive at and enjoy as high school seniors.

Understanding what future-tripping is and how detrimental it can be, how do we modify this all too human behavior? We can shift our perspective by changing the language we use when speaking about anxiety. We can focus on the next steps we鈥檙e actually taking to get through uncertainties鈥攄oing research to clarify facts from hearsay, assure that we have sufficient time, energy and focus to do the work we need to complete an assignment, application or test prep. While this doesn鈥檛 necessarily guarantee a favorable outcome, it set us up for success in the present when we can honestly self-assess that we鈥檝e done our best, the maximum effort we can do for any task or to achieve a certain objective. We can look to family and close friends who are a constant source of support. Also, we have our faith/religion, movement (exercise, sports, yoga, dance), journaling, music, books, movies, even favorite TV shows to soothe us in times of stress. We each have the tools and people to help us navigate difficult times. Lean into your support systems by reaching out to loved ones when you feel anxiety taking over. Having vulnerable conversations with people you trust can often release future-tripping episodes.

When we have expectations about and try to control the future, we set ourselves up for hard times. We can鈥檛 control the world or other people, jobs, school admits. Life happens. And sometimes in the moment it seems good and sometimes it seems less good. Whatever the actual circumstances and facts, we always have a choice of how and what to think. You can spend today worrying about tomorrow. You can borrow trouble, make yourself feel all kinds of terrible imagining all the worst things, but when you do, not only do you continue to keep yourself anxious, uncomfortable, and disquieted. You absolutely miss out on the beauty and grace of the present moment.

It’s all going to work out, it really is. Maybe not exactly as you thought it would or exactly when you thought it would, but sometimes the best things that happen are totally unplanned. Ask yourself, 鈥淚s this situation in my control? If not, how can I adapt and move on, move forward?鈥� When you learn to be open-minded and roll with the punches, your fear of what if鈥檚 can lessen a great deal.
An 优蜜视频 colleague shared a quote from Kung Fu Panda鈥檚 Master Oogway that鈥檚 an apt takeaway and antidote to curtail future-tripping:

鈥淵esterday is history, Tomorrow is mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it鈥檚 called THE PRESENT.鈥�

As the COVID-19 pandemic has developed over the last couple of weeks, I have been struck by my own attachments to simple comforts and small routines 鈥� they make me feel safe, and when the grocery stores started feeling post-apocalyptic, I began to feel my sense of safety diminish. I realize that my experience of the pandemic is an incredibly privileged one; many people in our community have not only experienced a shift in routine 鈥� their lives have been upended. Some have lost jobs; some are struggling to feed their children, who usually eat breakfast and lunch at school; some are struggling to work full-time from home while trying to navigate emergency homeschooling; and some have gotten very, very sick or lost loved ones to the virus.

Whatever your experience has been during this time, I know that a loss of routine can feel foreboding. Children rely on their routines for their own sense of stability, and while transitions are difficult for all of us, they are especially unsettling and scary for children. Even a transition as simple as shifting from park time to get-in-the-car time can yield a reaction so intense that you might feel compelled to hide behind the twisty slide until the volcano in the middle of the wood chips ceases its erupting.

Gifted children experience a heightened awareness that is 鈥渜ualitatively different from the norm,鈥� (Columbus Group), and your child鈥檚 response to a shift in routine (no matter how slight the shift may seem) might manifest as intense anxiety, stomach aches, outbursts, reclusiveness, or all of the above, even if this extra time spent together has felt like a gift. My own child sat in the middle of the sidewalk during her scooter ride yesterday and wailed, WAILED, because a chirping bird in a tree, whom she had named 鈥淏aby Tweetie鈥� did not come down to play with her. I was baffled. I thought the moment would pass quickly, but she cried about Baby Tweetie for hours: 鈥淏AAABY TWEEEEETIE! I LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES MEEEEE!鈥� Her routine hasn鈥檛 shifted as dramatically as others鈥� have, but she is one of the most social people I know, and not playing with friends every day has been difficult for her. She longs for connection, and she was full of despair when her friend Baby Tweetie couldn鈥檛 offer it to her.

During my time working with Yunasa campers, I noticed that many gifted children feel intense anxiety relating to their perceived inability to affect change in a world of suffering. Younger kids might feel anxiety pertaining to their inability to affect change in their own, much smaller worlds. And when their lives have seemingly turned upside down, when their stabilizing routines have vanished, that anxiety might feel really big.

As we craft new routines during this time of transition, we might also provide tools for our kids to affect change in little ways. 聽As I read Peace is an Offering by Annete LeBox to my daughters today, it occurred to me that it is completely within our power to spread peace right now, and we can empower our kids to do the same. What is peace, exactly? I think it is a sense of serenity, a feeling of acceptance, a knowing that we are ok, even when things are crumbling around us. We might experience peace as our anxieties calm down, our anger subsides, or our feelings of restlessness diminish. And as we work to spread peace in our little worlds (or in the world at large), we experience a greater measure of peace, too.

鈥淧eace is an offering. A muffin or a peach. A birthday invitation. A trip to the beach. Peace is gratitude for simple things. Light through a leaf, a dragonfly鈥檚 wings. A kiss on the cheek, raindrops and dew. A walk in the park, a bowl of hot stew.鈥�

We spread peace by putting forth little offerings of grace and kindness into our communities. We keep our eyes open and meet needs where we can. We remain attentive, looking for beauty everywhere.

鈥淧eace is holding on to another. Peace is the words you say to a brother. Will you stay with me? Will you be my friend? Will you listen to my story till the very end?鈥�

We help others experience peace when we offer them our presence and attention.

鈥淎nd even in the wake of tragedy, even then, you might find her. In the rubble of a fallen tower. In the sorrow of your darkest hour. In the hat of a hero. In the loss of a friend.鈥�

Peace can coexist with sorrow and turmoil.

鈥淪o offer a cookie, walk away from a fight. Comfort a friend through the long, dark night.鈥� Sing a quiet song. Catch a falling star.鈥�

I think this book is saying that peace is something we can all work to spread. It is something that each of us can offer. When we find needs and meet them, when offer kindness, when we provide our undivided presence (from a safe distance, of course), we are affecting change.

This week, someone sent me flowers for no reason, my neighbor offered to drop off lemon turmeric cake, and my daughter鈥檚 cousin sent her a postcard. All of these little offerings helped to spread peace because they got me thinking how we could spread some love too. And if this trajectory continues, peace ought to spread even as the coronavirus continues to disrupt our lives and harm people we love. These are tangible tools we can offer our children, who might be feeling especially powerless and uncertain: 1. Let鈥檚 find a need and meet it. 2. Let鈥檚 send someone something that will make them feel special. 3. Let鈥檚 offer each other our complete attention. 4. Let鈥檚 find beauty in every corner of our lives. 5. Let鈥檚 provide comfort for someone who is hurting.

鈥淪ing a quiet song. Catch a falling star. May peace walk beside you wherever you are.鈥�

We hope that you will share this blog with others who may find it helpful. If you are able, please consider to help our organization continue to provide exceptional programming during this difficult time.聽

Linnea is a Certified Mindfulness Facilitator and a . She often teaches Mindfulness at the 优蜜视频 Academy.

Those who spend time with, raise, teach, and care聽for young gifted people agree that these individuals are different from their peers in both wonderful and challenging ways. The stories are anecdotal but the research is clear: The gifted person’s experience of the world is quantitatively and qualitatively different from those we might describe as more “neuro-typical” in their development. If we take a moment to empathetically step into the shoes of a gifted child or teen, it is not difficult to understand the vulnerability of these young people as they grow and develop.

Mindfulness is a powerful tool that can be used to address a variety of the needs of gifted children on several different levels and in different areas of development. I’ll go into this in a bit more detail but, first, what is Mindfulness, and how can it help a gifted child as they grow, learn, and move out into the world?

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the practice of being in the present moment with openness, curiosity, and a willingness to be with “what is.” It is learning to gently and non-judgmentally guide your attention to the natural unfolding of your own human experience as it occurs聽鈥� sensory, emotional, and mental 鈥� which grounds you in a more direct, and often joyful, experience of life. So, right away, we see that the practice of Mindfulness offers a level of self-acceptance and self-compassion that the world around a gifted child may not.

As parents and educators, we can do our best to find the right environments for gifted children to thrive but, oftentimes, we end up having to accept that there is no “perfect” place for them to grow and learn. The public education system in the U.S. is not designed to meet their needs 鈥� socially, emotionally, or intellectually. In addition, each gifted child is different, and the more gifted the child, the more difficult this search can become. So some of the tools in the gifted student’s tool kit must serve to help them become self-aware enough to accept their differences, advocate for themselves, be resilient in the face of adversity, reach out to others for help and companionship, and have compassion for and acceptance of themselves and others.聽 Mindfulness is one such tool that can help in all these areas.

Let’s look at some of the well-documented challenges that some gifted, particularly聽highly and profoundly gifted, youth can face and how Mindfulness addresses these.

1) Stress/Anxiety

Since gifted children are often asked to adapt to a world, culturally speaking, that they are out of sync with, stress levels can be higher for them from the get go, especially in unfamiliar situations. In addition, the gifted child often has very high expectations both for themselves and others that can lead to self-induced stress. Some gifted children also have an additional layer of what could be called “existential stress” whereby they become chronically worried about, for instance, global concerns like world hunger, war, or global warming.

In clinical studies, Mindfulness has been shown to actually reverse the brain patterns that are activated during biological stress. Mindfulness also helps the child become aware when unnecessary worry is taking place. Mindfulness gives gifted children and teens a “jump start” to begin recognizing when their thinking is driven by unsubstantiated fear and a vocabulary to describe the experience grounded in their physical body. In addition, the practice of Mindfulness itself has no “goal.” There is no one “right” way to do it and no measurement of success, thereby allowing the gifted child freedom from the potential inner tyranny of being “right” or “perfect” or “not disappointing anyone.”

2) Overexcitabilities/Intensity

Research has shown that we learn best in a relaxed and open state of being. Ironically, it can often be hard for gifted children to find a relaxed, open, receptive state. They tend to receive the world’s stimulus more intensely and have trouble filtering that stimulus. It is vital the gifted child have some way to return to a mind-body connection to ground his or her experience in the “here and now.” Mindfulness provides just such an anchor. As children begin to strengthen their attention and awareness in the moment, they have a visceral experience of “space” around their intense experiences. They can slowly begin to trust in their ability to “choose” their response when confronting overstimulation, rather than simply reacting to it. Mindfulness empowers them to come “home” to themselves.

3) Asynchronous Development in Executive Functioning

Many gifted children struggle with executive functioning tasks such as organization, study skills, and switching attention. According to a 2006 article published by the NIH, this appears to be attributed to a slower development of the cortex of the brain in certain areas of high IQ kids. The cortical layer starts out thinner and develops more slowly, while other areas of the gifted brain appear to be operating far more efficiently and effectively than their same age peers. And, don’t you know, Mindfulness has been shown to actually thicken the brain’s cortex! It also helps train one’s awareness of their attention, eventually giving a child or teen an increased ability to place their attention where they choose as opposed to operating on autopilot. This may be, in part, why researchers believe Mindfulness helps with ADD and other issues related to attention regulation.

4) Social Development

It is natural for everyone to have some feelings of anxiety in social situations, particularly new ones. However, if a gifted child or teen repeatedly has the experience of being misunderstood, negated or even ostracized, his or her social anxiety may increase over time. We all have the need for connection, love, and acceptance. It is wired into our human DNA. So how can Mindfulness help? First, it helps individuals become more emotionally resilient. As they begin to neutrally observe their own feelings, thoughts, and sensations, they learn about themselves. This learning gives them more perspective about situations they encounter. For instance, they may begin to recognize the internal warning signs that tell them a social situation is not right for them and ask for help to change it. If they feel rejected, they may be able to see that that person was not able to act with compassion instead of feeling they themselves are “unlikeable.” It may give a gifted teen the self-awareness to honor his or her authentic self instead of using a great deal of energy to “be funny” or “be popular” or “be pretty.”

Mindfulness does not take away our pain, emotional or physical, but it teaches us how to navigate it and to notice when we are adding to our struggles with stories like, “I am weird,” “No one likes me,” or “I guess this is because I’m gifted. I wish I were normal.” We create these stories, quite naturally, to understand our world and feel some sense of identity in it. But sometimes they no longer serve us, and Mindfulness can help us see this and open a compassionate space where once there was none. And, interestingly, in my personal experience of working with gifted children, it is that open, compassionate space where gifted children find self-love and the ability to share their authentic selves openly and joyfully with others.

Next Steps

So where can your child learn the practice? If you can find a Mindfulness class for your gifted child or teen, that will provide the best initial experience and a place to practice with others. Since the practice stresses non-judgment and compassion, a seasoned teacher should be able make sure that your child feels safe and welcome even if it is not a class for the gifted per se. Most of these classes do follow a structure, however, with some level of behavioral expectation. So if you child is not ready for this, there are also coaches like myself who will work to tailor at-home classes for your child and/or your family. For very young children, a kid’s yoga class is a great place to start. Yoga offers them an introduction to the mind-body awareness skill set they will use in their Mindfulness practice later on. Finally, a wonderful gift to offer any child is to learn the practice together. As a parent or teacher, I encourage you to take a class yourself, for adults or educators, and then聽re-teach from your own experience once you have a regular practice yourself. Because the practice is very individual in nature, it is this authentic teaching from one’s own experience that truly brings the practice to life.

Linnea is a regular Mindfulness teacher for 优蜜视频’s Academy, leads various Mindfulness classes in the LA area and consults and teaches privately.聽 She can be reached through her company website,聽, 聽and followed on Twitter at .

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Jennifer is the Program Coordinator for , 优蜜视频鈥檚 pioneering summer camps that unite gifted young people ages 10-15 with experts in highly able youth. In a nurturing setting, campers explore and grow the intellectual, social, emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects of their lives. Yunasa is the Lakota Sioux word for 鈥渂alance.鈥�

鈥淏reathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is the only moment.鈥�

-Tich Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhist monk

At Yunasa, we begin each psychosynthesis session with a similar directive. Tich Nhat Hanh鈥檚 words remind us that all of life is held in this moment; his words encourage us to smile and seek gratitude for the moment we are in. Psychosynthesis, as practiced at Yunasa, is meant to cultivate balance amongst its participants, whose minds are often swirling with thoughts, anxieties, ideas, and observations, and for whom a peaceful moment is a true gift.

The word 鈥渂alance鈥� connotes an array of ideas 鈥� time management, sanity, stress-control, and lithe circus professionals sauntering across tight ropes. At Yunasa and within all of 优蜜视频鈥檚 programs, we strive to impart the type of balance that helps us to understand and interact with every piece of ourselves in an effort to pursue wholeness. In his commentary, 鈥淭he Heart of Understanding,鈥� Tich Nhat Hanh refers to the five elements that comprise a human being as five rivers that flow through every one of us: 鈥溾�he river of form, which means our body, the river of feelings, the river of perceptions, the river of mental formations, and the river of consciousness.鈥� These 鈥渞ivers鈥� are 鈥渕ade by the other four,鈥� he says. 鈥淭hey have to co-exist; they have to inter-be with all the others.鈥澛犅� Just as each limb, neuron, cell, blood particle, and organ work together to sustain physical existence, so do the body, myriad emotions, soul, mind, and relationships interconnect to create life experience. Thomas Merton, a Catholic Trappist monk, says, 鈥淭here is in all visible things鈥 hidden wholeness.鈥� We strive to be whole, to seek balance, because wholeness brings us closest to who we are 鈥� complex and alive.

The pursuit of wholeness requires vulnerability because it means that we are intentionally acknowledging parts of ourselves that are less developed, even broken. In our culture of social media, it is tempting to present a polished rendition of ourselves 鈥� the most attractive, the cleverest, the most sophisticated version 鈥� as though we are ashamed to reveal the bits that we are working on, the parts of ourselves that need help. If we are not careful, this tendency creeps into our real-world presentation of our self, as well; this self is safer, impervious, protected by the armor of contrived impeccability. To grow in understanding of ourselves, however, and to establish meaningful, mutually empathetic connections with others, we must embrace vulnerability. As Bren茅 Brown, author and public speaker, discusses in the podcast On Being: The willingness to approach life with our whole heart cannot be less than our willingness to be broken-hearted.

鈥淲e must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.鈥�

-Thomas Merton

We must take risks to be whole. For a shy intellectual, it might feel terrifying to acknowledge his innate need to integrate into an accepting community, especially if he suffers from the internal vituperation of , when every word that he uses to forge a connection with another leaves him riddled with doubt. Likewise, understanding the connection between one鈥檚 emotions and her physical reactions, or engaging her physicality through outdoor adventures, might seem scary for the individual whose exceptional gifts are rooted elsewhere. Some of us prefer to eschew emotion altogether in an effort to remain focused on our work or to avoid the discomfort emotion sometimes renders. To live in relationship with ourselves and others, to pursue wholeness and balance, we must, with vulnerability and honesty, take the necessary risks. Yunasa is important because it is a safe, accepting place to take these risks and to delve into intensive learning about ourselves and our world.

This is our intention: to develop our ability to relate to others and our capacity to empathize with different perspectives; to explore and cultivate our blazing intellect; to create honest connections with the world, with nature, and with our community; to grow in understanding of our range of emotions 鈥� intense, subtle, tender, and wildly uncomfortable; to engage the intricacies of our spirit 鈥� both delicate and resilient; and to acknowledge the interconnectedness of each of these pieces 鈥� how they influence and inform one another at every moment.

In seeking balance, we are not striving to achieve equilibrium amongst every element of our personhood. Living in balance does not mean that one鈥檚 social skills are on par with her ability to reason, or that one鈥檚 physical agility matches her profound emotional reaction to beauty in nature or literature or art. Balance isn鈥檛 a strange and unnatural perfection; rather, balance is to understand the relationship between all of our parts 鈥� the developed pieces and the fragile ones. A musician does not employ every note of his instrument simultaneously or with equality; if he did, the result would be shrill and offensive. Instead, he creates an interaction between each of the notes; they complement one another, culminating in mellifluous accord 鈥� beautiful and alive.

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鈥淲hen I grow up, I want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a movie star, a teacher, a fireman and president!鈥�

Many gifted students are faced with a dilemma 鈥� 鈥淚 love everything, so which do I choose?鈥� In the 1920鈥檚, Lewis Terman first postulated that many gifted students have difficulty choosing from their many interests and narrowing their focus to a few activities. (6)

What is multipotentiality?

Multipotentiality affects many highly able individuals:

Gifted learners are frequently offered the advice 鈥榊ou can be anything you want.鈥� This may seem desirable for the learner, but for many, this plethora of opportunities amounts to a major crisis. Berger (1989) raises this issue, coining the term multi-potentiality, where the highly capable student participates in many different activities to satisfy their interest. (1, 9)

In their paper 鈥淢ultipotential Abilities and Vocational Interests in Gifted Adolescents: Fact or Fiction?,鈥� Milgram and Hong conclude that identifying young people with multipotentiality – those who are 鈥渋nterested in many different vocational areas and having the requisite high abilities to succeed in many of them鈥� – may be difficult and that, perhaps, gifted youngsters have 鈥渟imply reached the ceiling, the highest level measured, in all their subjects鈥� (7). They recommend observing how each individual is spending his or her time during 鈥渇reely chosen leisure activities.鈥� Milgram and Hong regard the term 鈥渕ulti-potential鈥� as the inability to choose and/or the equal desire and ability to participate in many subjects or areas of interest. Therefore, if an individual indicates a clear preference, or 鈥渄ifferentiated interests,鈥� he or she is not demonstrating multipotentiality. If a preference is apparent, the issue of multipotentiality is no longer relevant, according to Milgram and Hong, though not all agree with this point.

What does MP look like?

In A Handbook for Counseling the Gifted and Talented, Barbara Kerr lists characteristics of multipotential individuals. Here are a few (1999, p. 87):

• Difficulty with decision-making
• Difficulty with follow-through
• Excellent performance in multiple subjects or academic areas
• Multiple hobbies and activities
• Schedules packed with a wide variety of social, recreational, and academic activities as determined by the student (not mandated by the school or encouraged by the parents)
• Little free time
• Chosen for leadership roles in a variety of groups and organizations
• 鈥淥ccasional signs of stress and exhaustion: absences, frequent or chronic illnesses, periods of depression and anxiety, particularly during busiest times鈥�
• 鈥淒elay or vacillation about college planning and decision making鈥� in high school

Why does it matter?

MP students often feel confused, lost, and uncertain about direction:

A multipotential student may take a vocational test only to learn that he or she is 鈥榮imilar鈥� in interests and abilities to biologists, librarians, musicians, reporters, English teachers, and ministers. Attaining straight A’s and uniformly high achievement test scores means that the student cannot make decisions based on what he or she 鈥榙oes best.鈥� After graduation from high school, the multipotential student may vacillate between career choices, delaying career decisions until financial need and the end of a nonfocused education drive the student to take a job by default鈥� Parents, teachers, and counselors continue to insist, 鈥楤ut you could be anything you want to be!鈥� not understanding that this is precisely the problem. (1)

Gifted education specialist Tamara Fisher quotes a graduating senior: 鈥溾�業 find it difficult to choose between careers because I fear how large the choice is. Having many options available is pleasant, but to determine what I will do for many years to come is scary.鈥欌�� (3)

Pursuing a life of meaning is important to the gifted mind, and selecting a career that provides meaning is difficult for the person whose interests and gifts are extensive and varied. Author Emilie Wapnick notes,

My resume reads like it belongs to ten different people. Music, film, web design, law, business, personal development, writing, dance, sexuality, education鈥� all of these are or have been interests of mine. They come and go (and sometimes come again). Would I have to settle on a 鈥榩ractical job鈥� and pursue my various passions on the side or choose among my interests and just commit to one thing? Both options made my heart ache鈥� I knew I could be doing more 鈥� that I had more to offer the world. (4)

How can I help my child master MP?

In 鈥�,鈥� Nicholas Colangelo suggested that we help individuals in four ways (2):

1. Remind students that they do not have to limit themselves to one career.
2. Use leisure activities as a way to continually develop areas of abilities and interest, apart from one’s career.
3. Use career counseling as a value-based activity, exploring broad categories of life satisfaction.
4. Emphasize peer discussions and group work with other multipotential youth so that one can see that he/she is not alone with concerns.

Because gifted individuals often have the ability to excel in many different areas, focusing on values and then discovering activities and career paths that support those values can often provide a more fulfilling and clearer path towards happiness.

In an interview with Charlie Rose in November 2013, James Franco discussed his choice to create art / work that allowed him to combine several of his interests into one project. He stated that he wasn鈥檛 trying to do everything; he just wanted to be able to utilize each of the areas he enjoyed at one time.

There is a current trend in hiring towards individuals with multi-faceted abilities. In his book, To Sell Is Human, Daniel Pink says:

Large operations discovered that segmenting job functions didn鈥檛 work very well during volatile business conditions鈥攁nd because of that, they began demanding elastic skills that stretched across boundaries.鈥hen organizations were highly segmented, skills tended to be fixed. If you were an accountant, you did accounting. The same was true when business conditions were stable and predictable. However, in the last decade, the circumstances that gave rise to fixed skills have disappeared. (10)

This is great news for the multipotential individual because it means that various interests can have value in career and artistic endeavors and may be better appreciated than they had previously been.

Do you feel you or your child exhibits multipotentiality? What challenges or opportunities have you experienced because of this? We鈥檇 love to hear your story!

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References

1. Berger, S.L. (1989) College Planning for Gifted Students. [Online.] Council for Exceptional Children.

2. Colangelo, Nicholas. 鈥�.鈥� The University of Iowa, Fall 2002 Newsletter.

3. Fisher, Tamara. 鈥�.鈥� Unwrapping the Gifted. Online.

4. 鈥�.鈥� Developing Multiple Talents. 7 May 2012. Online. < http://developingmultipletalents.com>

5. Kerr, Barbara. A Handbook for Counseling the Gifted and Talented. 1999.

6. McKay, Robyn. 鈥淐areer Counseling.鈥� Encyclopedia of Giftedness, Creativity, and Talent. Edited by Barbara Kerr.

7. Milgram, Roberta M. & Hong, Eunsook. 鈥淢ultipotential Abilities and Vocational Interests in Gifted Adolescents: Fact or Fiction?鈥� International Journal of Psychology 34.2 (1999): 81-93.

8. 鈥溾�� Talent Development Resources. 7 May 2012. Online. <http://talentdevelop.com>

9. Page, Jeremy S. 鈥�.鈥� Student Pulse 2.11 (2010): 1/1.

10. Pink, Daniel. To Sell is Human: The Surprising Truth About Moving Others. 2012.

Lisa is the mother of 3 gifted children and lives outside of San Francisco.

I have a new year鈥檚 resolution. This year I am going to give up on being the parent I want to be. I am going to be the parent my children need. I know what my children need: my husband showed me.

My 鈥渟chooling鈥� happened on a weekday after I picked up my 16 year old from the BART station.

鈥淗ow was your day?鈥�

鈥淣ot very good. When dad get鈥檚 home, I need to talk to both of you.鈥�

鈥淚s it serious?鈥�

鈥渊别蝉.鈥�

I coaxed him to tell me what happened. He refused. He silently wiped away tears on the drive home.

Later that evening, my husband and I sat on his brother鈥檚 bed as he told us what happened at school. I am going to spare you the details because I don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 fair to my son. It is only important that you know that he said something really stupid. This stupid thing took on a life of its own once it was passed from student to student in his small high school. He was called before the Dean of Student Life and told that she would be investigating the incident. If the facts warranted, he could be sent to the Disciplinary Committee and face suspension.

By the time we sat down to discuss what happened, he had moved from sad to angry. He insisted that the investigation was unfair. His friends said they had heard worse stories with no consequences for the offending student. He was in full defense mode, invoking the moral judgment of other 16 year olds.

I could feel my face harden and my posture stiffen. How could he refuse to take full responsibility? How could he justify his behavior? I was imagining my parental lecture when my husband stood up.

鈥淚鈥檓 so sorry; it sounds like you had a really bad day. Would you like a hug?鈥�

I was stunned. With my hard face and my clenched jaw, I watched my son walk into my husband鈥檚 arms and relax. Then my son admitted that he had been really stupid. He was very sorry.

In that moment, I realized that the smartest thing I did was remain silent. My highly anxious son spent the day beating himself up and couldn鈥檛 face his parents鈥� judgment when he got home. So, he decided to assume an offensive position to protect himself. He didn鈥檛 need a lecture. He needed a momentary break from his harsh inner critic.

My children are . They have easy access to the harsh critic that permanently resides in their heads. I may have even unintentionally helped give voice to these criticisms. I jumped on every 鈥渢eaching moment鈥� and provided commentary to their disappointments. I like to think of myself as a wise and fair role model, full of helpful comments and inspiring sayings. Instead, I was feeding the beast. How does 鈥測ou鈥檒l do better next time鈥� provide new insight to a child who is disappointed with his English final? How could 鈥渟ee what you can accomplish when you put your mind to something?鈥� provide any additional satisfaction to a child who is struggling with procrastination?

The anxiety that comes with my children鈥檚 sensitivity and perfectionism will forever do the dirty work of telling them that they are doing something 鈥渟tupid.鈥� My job is to remain silent, knowing that they will inevitably access the years of lectures I have delivered on every imaginable topic. I need to have faith that I鈥檓 in their head somewhere.

So my new year鈥檚 resolution is to talk less and give more hugs. And by the way, he was right. There was no violation requiring a visit to the Conduct Committee. His comment was just plain stupid鈥攏o further commentary necessary.

Lisa is the mother of 3 gifted children and lives outside of San Francisco.

Four years ago, I sat in the library of my children鈥檚 school and said a small prayer.

鈥淧lease don鈥檛 let that happen to us,鈥� I thought.

I was listening to a psychiatrist talk about anxiety. He said that during adolescence a child鈥檚 hormones can amplify stress and anxiety, causing depression. As predicted, the hormones came, my son鈥檚 anxiety got worse and he became depressed.

Maybe I should have been more proactive and made choices for my son that would have reduced his stress and anxiety. Instead, we let him make choices that satisfied some of his personal ambitions but exacerbated his anxiety. We let him leave his support system and travel across the country to go to boarding school. The move fulfilled his desire to explore new interests, have new experiences and challenge himself. It also made his undiagnosed depression worse.

As a parent, what do you do when you think trouble is coming? Do you make decisions for your child, knowing that you have the experience to anticipate the consequences? Or do you let your child make decisions that will help him to discover who he is, even though it might come at a substantial price? The child who elicited my silent prayer has a big personality. As a child, he was loud, independent and adventurous. Unlike our oldest son, who did not want to leave our arms, our middle child cried until we put him down. A lover of novelty and adventure, he wrote a high school admissions essay about a holiday celebrating rollercoasters. The day would 鈥渞emind people to enjoy the journey.鈥� You would never know that he is also highly sensitive.

Anxiety, sensitivity, independence and an adventurous spirit; all of these characteristics seemed to be baked into our son at birth. They also fight against one another, as adventure creates anxiety and sensitivity requires support. The qualities that led my son to his depressed state are not going to go away. So, what can I do to ease his journey? I asked him.

He didn鈥檛 know how to respond until he found himself on the other end of the conversation. A friend came to him to confess that he was depressed. As my son thought about what to do, he went quickly through a list of don鈥檛s. Don鈥檛 say that you understand what the other person is going through because you don鈥檛. Don鈥檛 say that things will get better because when you are hurting, you believe that it will never get better. Instead, my son said something that I think about every day. He told his friend:

鈥淚f you never get better, if you are always sad, nothing will change between us. I care for you as much today in your sadness as I did when you were happy. You don鈥檛 have to change. We will always be good.鈥�

His expression of unconditional love and acceptance stunned me. I thought he would share strategies that worked or connections that sustained him. Instead, my son accepted his friend as he found him. He not only refused to offer advice but also absolved his friend of the responsibility to 鈥済et better鈥� for his sake.

I am not suggesting that parents just sit back and watch their child get depressed. My son needed a professional to help him find a way out of the dark. But, I also learned that every well-meaning comment intended to help him imposed a burden of its own. He told me as much a year ago when I held him in my arms as he cried. Desperate to find something to make him feel better, I reminded him that he was home and I was with him.

鈥淒oes that make you feel a little bit better?鈥� I asked.

鈥淣o,鈥� he said. 鈥淚 know that I am making you sad, and that makes me feel worse.鈥�

Our children know what we want for them. We want them to be happy. Yet, we know their gifts may come with , emotional , or social isolation, all of which make reaching this goal difficult. We think we know how to help them cope with a potentially cruel world; if they would just modify their behavior in one way or another, we are sure that things will be better. In the process, we are sometimes communicating to them our dissatisfaction with who they are. Maybe we could just put aside our goals for them and help them understand themselves and be themselves. Maybe every challenge doesn鈥檛 need a strategy, a pep talk or a class. Maybe they need to know that we don鈥檛 need them to change. Maybe the most important thing for them to know is that together, we will always be good.

Lisa is the mother of 3 gifted children and lives outside of San Francisco.

In high school, I was identified as a gifted and talented student by the Research and Guidance Laboratory for Superior Students at the University of Wisconsin. I know this because my mother saved 2 reports from the laboratory. The reports contained testing results and interviews.

The first question on the report asked about my reaction to being identified as talented. My answer:

鈥淚 believe I am not exceptionally talented and that 8th grade reading scores couldn鈥檛 possibly tell. I have no feelings about it.鈥�

I was 17 at the time I said this. I was one of 1800 students in my high school and deeply involved in the theater program. I was popular among my peers and I had a serious boyfriend. I also got a 鈥淐鈥� in French that year. No wonder I was dismissive of my academic 鈥渢alents鈥�.

I knew my own children would not be as dismissive. I asked them the same question. This time, I used the word 鈥済ifted鈥�, a word they know well. This is what they said:

1. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know, I鈥檓 not the biggest fan of that word. I think it鈥檚 used in a way it shouldn鈥檛 be. It is elitist. Why don鈥檛 they just say smart?鈥�

2. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 feel like I鈥檓 that much smarter than anyone else. I know some people did tests on me and I have a higher IQ, but it doesn鈥檛 make me feel any smarter.鈥�

3. 鈥淚 feel like it鈥檚 an attempt at a compliment, without really getting there. It means I do exceptionally well when I am in the right environment. Being 鈥榞ifted鈥� means I was the right person in the right place at the right time. If I was the same person in the wrong place at the wrong time, I would be a 鈥榮lacker鈥�.鈥�

See if you can match the child to the response:

A. 18 year old highly creative son. I called him 鈥渓azy鈥� before I discovered he was gifted. In 6th grade, he moved from public school to a private school for gifted students. Subject of 鈥�鈥� post.

B. 15 year old son. Highly sensitive and highly gifted, he spent his early years academically out of sync with the rest of his class and taught by teachers who either disregarded his abilities or were hostile to his parents鈥� interference. In 5th grade, we moved him to a private school for gifted students. Subject of 鈥溾�� post.

C. 12 year old daughter, currently in 6th grade, who has attended a private school for gifted students since kindergarten. Subject of 鈥溾�� post.

Answers: 1B, 2C, 3A

Each child saw the word 鈥済ifted鈥� based on his or her own experiences. In one of these answers, I see rejection of a word that began a battle over curriculum between frustrated parents and hostile teachers. In another, I see an expression of insecurity that comes from interacting with classmates who win national awards and perform at Carnegie Hall. In the third, I see the articulation of anxiety that results when a child is pushed by his parents to perform in an inhospitable environment. What I don鈥檛 see is any acknowledgment that this word might describe who they are. In 33 years, nothing has changed. What does it mean when the very children who are identified by the word 鈥済ifted鈥� reject it?

I wanted to tell my children what 鈥済ifted鈥� meant, but I couldn鈥檛. The experts have not agreed on a single definition. () As far as I can tell, it is a term created by educational professionals to describe individuals with abilities different from (not better than) typically developing peers who require curriculum modifications in order to meet their academic and social-emotional needs. If I have correctly captured the definition of 鈥済ifted鈥�, then doesn鈥檛 the term focus less on the students鈥� 鈥済ifts鈥� and more on their needs? Couldn鈥檛 you also use this definition for children with other types of learning differences or special needs?

I think we need to ditch the word and come up with another. No one embraces the term. 鈥淕ifted鈥� has an image problem. Most people see it as a genetic and inherent quality that remains static throughout a person鈥檚 life and confers unmitigated advantages to the individual. My experience, and that of my children, tells me that the characteristics associated with being 鈥済ifted鈥� can be assets in some environments and liabilities in others.

So, what word should we use? Can鈥檛 we appropriate some other term that identifies these students but doesn鈥檛 elicit the same negative response? How about 鈥渟pecial needs鈥� or 鈥渓earning difference鈥�?

In the meantime, let鈥檚 address some of issues that lead to these misconceptions about giftedness. Until we figure out how to adequately identify gifted children in all racial and socio-economic groups, the term will be considered elitist by some. Until we accept the social and emotional characteristics associated with giftedness, many of which bring challenges along with the 鈥済ifts鈥�, these children will just be 鈥渟mart鈥�. And, until we stop demanding that children perform in order to prove their gifts, we will always have the misunderstood 鈥渟lacker鈥�.

Like every other parent, I want my children to understand and appreciate the qualities that make them unique. They have rejected the term the educational community has proposed for them. That鈥檚 okay; they can define themselves any way they鈥檇 like. Until we find a new term, I will continue seek out others who speak the 鈥済ifted鈥� language. It鈥檚 nice to have sympathetic company when you feel misunderstood.

What has your experience been with the term 鈥済ifted鈥�? Please share in the comment section below.

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Lisa is the mother of 3 gifted children and lives outside of San Francisco.

Which of the following is a symptom of anxiety in a gifted child?

a. An eye twitch
b. Pacing in circles
c. Fighting with her mother

The answer?
All of the above.

The eye twitch and the pacing were easy for me. My oldest son鈥檚 eye began to twitch in fifth grade, around the same time he started to disengage at school. Our middle child began pacing in circles around the bathroom in second grade. That was the year that his teacher wrote his name on the blackboard with the word 鈥渢eacher鈥� before it because she thought he was too bossy.

My daughter is the one who fights with me. She is in an ideal educational environment. We fight because I am annoying.

If you met my daughter, you would find her to be an adorable, Justin Bieber-loving 11 year old. And she is. She is also super critical of me. According to my daughter, I clear my throat excessively. I use the word 鈥渟weetie鈥� when I鈥檓 irritated and I make squishing noises when I chew. When I do these things, she tells me to stop. Sometimes she even imitates me.

My daughter鈥檚 need to correct me leads to terrible fights. I can鈥檛 understand why she won鈥檛 overlook my annoying behavior. She doesn鈥檛 know why I keep doing things that irritate her. Usually, I just walk away. That enrages her. She hates it when I walk away.

I don鈥檛 tell many people about my daughter鈥檚 criticism because it makes both of us look bad. It鈥檚 disrespectful. It鈥檚 insensitive. It鈥檚 evidence of my bad parenting skills. And, according to a psychiatrist I know, it鈥檚 a symptom of high anxiety.

About a year ago, I was talking with a psychiatrist about anxiety issues of my own. She went down a laundry list of symptoms. At one point she asked me if I get annoyed easily. I said no, and she seemed surprised. She said that highly anxious people are often irritable. Then I remembered my daughter. I thought about how she hates it when her younger brother cracks his knuckles, when her older brother chews ice or when her father talks with food in his mouth. It occurred to me that my daughter is irritable because she is anxious.

I am the first to admit that I might be fooling myself by thinking that my daughter鈥檚 behavior reflects anxiety instead of permissive parenting because I don鈥檛 want to take responsibility for the behavior. Having said this, I can鈥檛 escape the genetic component of her anxiety. After all, I鈥檓 anxious, and so is my husband. Our sons? Anxious and anxious. Any genetic predisposition she might have received was certainly nurtured by my anxious parenting.

Okay, maybe I lied to the psychiatrist. Sometimes I am irritable. Early in our marriage, I told my husband what to do when I behave this way. When I am at my most unlikable, what I really need is a hug. I need some physical reassurance that I am not bad despite my bad behavior.

We tried it with our daughter. Or more accurately, my husband tried it. In the middle of a particularly bad fight, he waited for her to catch her breath and then asked her if he could give her a hug. Surprisingly, she said yes. Eventually, she would ask for a hug after she made a snarky remark but before we would get into a full blown fight. Those were hard hugs for me to give. It seemed like I was rewarding bad behavior. It did, however, prevent the fight and hasten an apology from her. She always expressed genuine remorse for her behavior after we fought.

I found support for our hug therapy in a blog by Dr. Claudia M. Gold, a pediatrician and author of . According to Dr. Gold, this behavior has to do with the underdevelopment of the higher cortical centers of the brain. Our daughter didn鈥檛 experience early trauma, nor does she have sensory processing problems like the children discussed in her blog. She is, however, intense and highly sensitive like many gifted children. She has almost all of . The way she externalized her intense nature felt like a personal attack, but it was no different from the boys鈥� eye twitching and pacing.

I can鈥檛 say that I鈥檓 entirely at peace with the way our daughter expresses her anxiety, and if I鈥檓 wrong and I am a poor parent, please don鈥檛 tell me. I have found a solution that involves holding my daughter close and giving her a squeeze. My hope is that the memories of the fights will disappear and what she will remember are the hugs.

In what ways do your children exhibit anxiety? How do you handle these expressions of anxiety? Please share with us in the comment section below.

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Lisa is the mother of 3 gifted children who lives outside of San Francisco.

I feel responsible to a number: my son鈥檚 IQ score. I鈥檝e spent 9 years struggling with my relationship to it. I鈥檝e gone from feeling absolved of any responsibility to taking full responsibility for what the number means for his future. Eventually, I found a peaceful place in which the number and I can coexist. I just needed to see his IQ score for what it is: an invitation to challenge my assumptions about what giftedness means and to educate myself about my son鈥檚 needs.

I received my son鈥檚 IQ score by accident. I shouldn鈥檛 have been surprised; after all, I hired a psychologist to have him assessed. She told me that she was going to give him a test to 鈥渟ee how he learns.鈥� She was, after all, an expert, and I needed help. I had no idea that this was her euphemism for an IQ test.

I contacted the psychologist when my son was in kindergarten. He was multiplying and dividing large 鈥渄efense鈥� and 鈥渁ttack鈥� points while 鈥渄ueling鈥� with his older brother during Yu-Gi-Oh games. At the same time, my son鈥檚 intense nature took a turn for the worse. He cried every day on the walk to school. The timing of these two events made me wonder if his mathematical talent was connected to the distress he experienced on the way to school. It seemed coincidental, but I wasn鈥檛 sure.

My husband and I talked about what to do. I thought he should be tested. I had no idea what he should be tested for, but I was sure that there was some sort of test that could help me better understand my son. My husband made a prophetic statement. He said, 鈥淏efore you get him tested, you should know what you are going to do with the information.鈥� I thought he was crazy. How could I know what to do聽before I got the results?

When I聽received the results, I still had no idea what to do with them. Everyone else, however, thought they knew exactly what they meant and what I should do. According to my friends, my son was 鈥渃ream,鈥� as in 鈥渢he cream will rise to the top.鈥� Homework would be easy, GPAs would be high, and I didn鈥檛 need to do anything. The teachers at my son鈥檚 public school seemed to agree with this assessment. Their idea of differentiating the curriculum for him required no work on their part. They assigned projects and expected my son to extend and enhance them on his own. I call this type of differentiation 鈥渟mart kids will act smart.鈥� He didn鈥檛 oblige, so I changed tactics.

I swung wildly to the other extreme and took full responsibility for ensuring that the promise indicated by the number was realized. We hired tutors and subscribed to online learning courses. We enrolled him in an independent school for gifted children. After all, if the IQ number represented my son鈥檚 ability, then a subpar GPA or SAT score would reflect an inadequate educational or family environment, right? This view of his IQ score fit my “middle child” sense of responsibility perfectly. It just wasn鈥檛 true.

The substantial resources we directed to my son鈥檚 education turned out to be money and time well spent, though not exactly for the reasons I expected. I was not guaranteeing excellence; I was addressing challenges. I needed to reevaluate my assumptions about my son鈥檚 education much the same way that parents with children who have learning differences need to adjust their expectations about their children鈥檚 needs.

It turns out that his emotional intensity is connected to his gifted intellect. His sensitivity to sensory stimulation exhausted him and made him irritable. His aptitude for pattern recognition caused him to overcomplicate simple tasks. His classmates鈥� reaction to his developmental asynchrony caused him to 鈥渄umb-down鈥� his performance. When we changed his environment, he found peers who were similarly excited about learning and teachers who understood his occasional outbursts and celebrated his creative problem solving. He developed new passions and let some of his anxieties go.

With the help of organizations like the 聽that study and support gifted children, I learned about my son鈥檚 needs. I still get it wrong, and it鈥檚 those stories I like to聽share because I learn more from my failures than my successes. As part of the gifted community, I think it is our responsibility to share our stories so that we feel less isolated. So, I鈥檒l start with this story, because I am, above all, very responsible.

What was your experience when you first found out your child is gifted? Please share with us in the comment section聽below!

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