by ,聽Licensed Counselor and Consultant
Your child is emotional. Anxious. Melting down. Telling you that you鈥檙e the worst parent. Ever. Not in so many words, necessarily. But still. You know that you鈥檙e the worst parent. Ever.
鈥淗ow can such a smart kid behave this way?鈥� you wonder. 鈥淗ow did I screw up so badly?鈥澛�
I hear this often聽from parents of gifted children. Here鈥檚 what I tell them:
1. Gifted kids are EMOTIONAL. Their passionate聽natures can be as large as their intellects. You can respect their emotions while setting boundaries around inappropriate behavior. They鈥檒l be calmer if they know that you鈥檙e compassionate and聽in charge.
2. Helping your children contain emotion is different from repressing or denying those feelings. Containment is useful, especially when you鈥檙e out in public places where screeching will be frowned upon. They can visualize a beautiful object or a cabinet or a tree or whatever their creative minds can dream up that will lovingly hold their emotions when it鈥檚 inappropriate to let them flail about. A great聽resource for visualizations is .
3. Because smart kids are very perceptive, little things that others don鈥檛 notice will affect them. That includes the sounds of people chewing or the scent of your detergent. They鈥檙e not neurotic. They鈥檙e sensitive. They鈥檒l also be finely tuned in to you. They鈥檒l know when you鈥檙e worrying about their grades and pretending that you鈥檙e not worrying about their grades. It鈥檚 often best to confess the truth.
4. If we鈥檙e talking about 15 year old girls (more or less) and their moms, don鈥檛 ignore the awesome power of hormones. Let us all give hormones our utmost respect. They will win every time. Sometimes all you聽can do is ride the wave or聽go read a good book. (or visit your naturopath, acupuncturist or doctor)
5. Recognize when you start channeling your parents. This is not usually helpful. If you find that your mother鈥檚 criticism is coming out of your mouth or your father鈥檚 anger is simmering below the surface, consider . A good therapist can help you dig your own voice out from under the rubble.
6. Avoiding will be hard if your children think faster than you do. Use the 鈥淟et me think about it and I鈥檒l get back to you鈥� method. Give yourself time to make decisions so聽you don鈥檛 feel pressured. It鈥檒l be easier for everyone to stay calm. Including you. Remember that聽your child will feel safer if you鈥檙e in charge.
7. You may be a problem solver and action oriented. When your children are聽in pain, it鈥檚 hard to not want to stop the pain immediately. Instead, start listening. Reflect back what you hear. Validate feelings. Ask them if they want your help problem solving. If you鈥檙e listening well, they can often come up with their own solutions. At first, this may feel awkward and contrived. Explain to your kids what you鈥檙e trying to do and they鈥檒l be patient with you. You may think that you鈥檙e already listening and that it鈥檚 not working. Ask your children if they think you鈥檙e listening and then believe them when they tell you that you aren鈥檛. (That said, set limits on how long you listen if your child tends to go on and on and on.)
8. If your own childhood was less than ideal, you might lose patience when your child is freaking out, especially if you were never allowed to complain, cry or fall apart. Give yourself some grace around your reactivity. Find a way to allow the child in you to express her or himself. A journal can be a great way to safely complain, cry or fall apart. Then again, if you need more help, look for some good resources or seek out聽your friendly local psychotherapist.
9. There are聽no perfect parents. Your mistakes are an opportunity to show your child how to learn from mistakes, how to understand that a mistake is not the same as a failure, and that even failure is an opportunity for growth.
Your child is emotional. Anxious. Melting down. Gifted. And so are you.
This post originally appeared on and has been reprinted with permission.
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